I Need You
by piratewench78
Summary: A song What if Deacon had written "I Need For
1. Chapter 1

**This song, "I Need You" by Tim McGraw, came up on my shuffle last night and, as I listened to the words, I thought this could have been a song that Deacon and Rayna might have written together or that Deacon might have written about Rayna when they were apart. So I re-imagined it as a song that he wrote for her when they were pretending to be just friends. And what would it have been like if he sang it for her. I might look for other similar songs and write more. Hope you enjoy! Any feedback welcomed.**

The day's rehearsal went particularly well. Rayna was happy with it. Bucky was happy with it. The new fiddle player was working out really well. Deacon had done a really good job of helping her fit in with the rest of the band quickly.

Rayna thought about Deacon. She was continually amazed at his commitment to his sobriety. It had been over seven years. She would never have predicted it, not after five times in rehab. And, as always, it caused her to wonder what might have been had she waited for him this time. They could have been together, raising Maddie, being a family. But, as always, she had to stop those thoughts. It didn't do any good to ponder what ifs. She was married to Teddy, Maddie was Teddy's daughter, not Deacon's, and they had Daphne now. Her life was comfortable, pleasant, drama-free. Boring. Rayna frowned at that last random, unwelcome thought.

Deacon walked by her at just that moment. "Hey, Ray. Something wrong?"

She looked up, confused for a moment. Then smiled. "No, no, nothing's wrong. Everything's great, actually." She signaled towards the exit with a nod of her head. "Let's walk and catch up."

Deacon fell in step with her as they walked out of Sound Check. "Are you feeling good about where we are? Do you feel comfortable with Laura?"

Rayna smiled at him. "I do. She's fabulous. And you've done a great job on fitting her in with the rest of us." She took his arm as they walked. "I'm proud of you, Deacon. I don't think I tell you enough. I'm glad we're able to work together so well."

Deacon laughed. "I don't know who else would put up with you, Ray. You need me."

Rayna leaned her head onto his shoulder for a moment and then they just walked, saying nothing. Everything they said to each other seemed to have double meanings. The tension was always there, the need was always like a quiet drum beat that just kept everything moving along. But Rayna worked hard to keep the line drawn. Deacon was her best friend, but she was always conscious of their past and she thought he probably felt the same.

Rayna broke the silence. "You know, I've never understood why you didn't want to go out on your own." She stopped, turned to face him and squinted up at him, the sun in her eyes. "You could be a solo performer with your own band."

Deacon smiled and shook his head. "That's not for me. I think I'm just the type that likes to be in the background. Plus, I like playing in your band. What would you do without me?"

Rayna laughed. "I would miss you, that's for sure. So, do you still play at The Bluebird?"

"I do. That's enough solo time for me." He looked away. "I wish you'd stop by sometime."

Rayna looked away as well. "Oh, you know, with little ones it's hard to get away at night. But, maybe I can sometime." And then she took his arm again and they walked some more.

#

Rayna pulled into the parking lot at The Bluebird and parked. It was packed, as usual. She sat in the car, debating whether to go in. She wasn't sure it was a good idea. She knew a lot of Deacon's material was about her. Or she thought so anyway. It made her nervous.

She had actually come here many times before but either drove on past or sat in her car before driving off. The Bluebird was where they had started and it always brought back memories. Deacon and Rayna memories that left her melancholy. And so again she sat. It was so comfortable having him in her band, in her life. They could act a little sexy on the stage and it was just that, an act. Except that it always sent her to a dark place after a show. She'd have to have some time alone to stop the thudding heart, the tingling feeling she had, the yearning. She also felt it whenever she looked at Maddie. Maddie had Deacon's talent at the guitar, even at seven. And Maddie had Deacon's eyes. Those eyes that brought back so many memories, so many hurts, so many regrets.

She shook off the introspection. She almost left, again, but this time she took the keys out, opened the car door, and walked up to The Bluebird.

When she opened the door, it was really crowded. She could see Deacon on the stage. The guy at the door said "M'am, we're full." She felt relief. Then he looked at her closely. "Oh, I'm sorry, Ms. Jaymes, but we do have some standing room. Or I could try to find you a seat."

Rayna smiled ruefully. "No, that's fine. I'll stand. I'm not staying long." She slid over into a corner, hoping to stay hidden from Deacon. He seemed to be concentrating on his playing, so she thought she was safe.

But when she had turned away for a second, Deacon saw her. He felt heat rising inside, but decided not to let her know he'd seen her. He suspected she wanted to be hidden. But he'd let her know, in his own way, that he appreciated her finally coming to see him play. When he finished the song he was playing, he said "Here's a new one. Just finished, never played it before."

As he started to play, Rayna smiled. It started out soft and low, the chords beautiful.

_I wanna drink that shot a whiskey_

_I wanna smoke that cigarette_

_I wanna smell that sweet addiction on my breath_

Rayna felt her stomach clench. This one was about her. She wondered if he'd seen her after all.

_I wanna ride across West Virginia_

_In the back seat of a Cadillac_

_You know some cowboys like me go out like that_

She always called him a cowboy. Her cowboy.

_So I need you like a needle needs a vein_

_Like my uncle Joe in Oklahoma needs rain_

_I need you like a lighthouse on a coast_

_Like the Father and the Son need the Holy Ghost_

_I need you_

Rayna swallowed hard. Her hands were moist. Her insides felt like melted candy. She felt lightheaded. She could imagine them singing this to each other. This would have been their kind of song.

She remembered many days of songwriting. Rarely did they sit down with that in mind. It was usually after a show, when they were still a little jazzed and a lot buzzed. Or lying in bed in the morning or on a weekend afternoon. The words would come and Deacon would pick out the melodies and then she would lead him back to bed or, if they were already there, she'd take his guitar and lay it on the floor, and they'd celebrate.

_I wanna get lost in some corner booth_

_Cantina Mexico_

_I wanna dance to the static of an AM radio_

This reminded her of trips they took to Mexico. That was where they liked to get away, staying in small beachside hotels, making out in dive bars that tourists never went to. Where they went to recharge, where no one knew them and they were free to laugh and play and drink and make love with no one watching. It was always sultry, hot and a little bit dirty.

_I wanna wrap the moon around us_

_Lay beside you skin on skin_

_Make love 'til the sun comes up_

'_Til the sun goes down again_

Deacon, you're killing me, she thought. She could barely breathe. She wanted to leave but she couldn't move. Every nerve in her body was on fire. She needed him, wanted him, loved him. It had never changed for her, although she had compartmentalized it well.

_Cause I need you like a needle needs a vein_

_Like my uncle Joe in Oklahoma needs the rain_

_I need you like a lighthouse on a coast_

_Like the Father and the Son need the Holy Ghost_

_I need you, I need you_

They always fought. Because she had a mouth. Because he used whiskey to fan the flames. But the anger always led them back together. Because they were two halves of a whole. Because they needed each other. _Like a needle needs a vein._ Hadn't he told her once she was the needle in his vein? Maybe more than once. She was flat against the wall, her mouth slightly open, her eyes wide. She felt like everyone knew what she was thinking, what she was feeling. And that they knew he wrote this for her, about her.

_I wanna drink that shot a whiskey_

_I wanna smoke that cigarette_

_You know how some cowboys like me go out like that_

_So I need you, oh I need you_

And as he ended the song, he looked right in her eyes. He was singing to her. He had known she was there all along. She couldn't immediately stop looking at him. And in those few moments, their eyes said everything to each other, that they were still connected at the soul. She took several deep breaths. She was still hot all over. She needed air. She finally looked away and quickly moved towards the door and walked outside, gasping for breath.

Inside, Deacon's eyes followed her all the way out. And he had a small smile on his face because he knew she understood what that song was all about.

And also inside was Watty White, who knew Deacon had written that song for Rayna, for the two of them to sing together, even though he knew Rayna would fight it. He also knew Rayna had been there and that she didn't realize he was. He wasn't trying to complicate her life, but he knew a winner when he heard it. Rayna might have been the star, but it was really when the two of them were together, singing from their hearts, that there was magic. It had always been so and, Watty suspected, it would always be.

Tomorrow would be time enough for him to convince her that Deacon had just written her next hit.


	2. Chapter 2

Rayna had a hard time falling asleep after she got home from The Bluebird. She kept thinking about Deacon's song and how it made her feel. It was hard to keep her feelings from getting in the way when she was around him. It felt disrespectful to Teddy and to her marriage to let herself remember. And when she finally fell asleep that night it was a fitful sleep, full of dreams of Deacon. The last one was a full on sex dream, one that she was awkwardly awakened from by Teddy.

"Hey. Coffee's ready. And judging from the way you tossed and turned all night, I think you're gonna need it."

Rayna breathed in. Her body was on fire. She could feel Deacon's touch, his skin. _I wanna wrap the moon around us, Lay beside you skin on skin._ She sat up fast, throwing off the covers. This had to stop. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood, not able to look at Teddy. "Thanks, babe. Are the girls up?"

"Yeah. In the den." He reached out and rubbed her arm. "What had you so wound up last night?"

Rayna looked at him. Oh, my old lover, the father of my oldest daughter, who's still the love of my life, who's still under my skin like no man's ever been or ever will be. She felt her face get hot. She wished she could just say that. She wished she hadn't thought it. "Just a little spat with Tandy," she lied. "You know how I hate it when she and I don't see eye to eye." She had told Teddy she was going to see Tandy last night and had told Tandy she was her cover. Tandy didn't know she'd gone to The Bluebird to see Deacon, but she knew Teddy didn't like Rayna doing work stuff at night and would be her sister's cover when needed.

"You'll work it out. You always do." He smiled. "Look, I've got to head out. Love you." He leaned in for a light kiss.

Rayna smiled wanly. "Love you too, babe." And she followed him out of the bedroom to the den to see the girls.

Later that morning, after she'd gotten Maddie off to school and Daphne was napping, her phone rang. She looked at the caller ID and saw it was Watty. She smiled and answered. "Hey, Watty. Haven't heard from you in a while."

"Hey, Rayna. Hope all is well."

"It's good, Watty. Just got a new fiddle player who's great. We're in rehearsals for the tour starting next month. Very busy."

"What did you think of Deacon's song last night?"

Rayna blanched. "What?"

"I saw you there. That was a winner of a song, wasn't it? Reminded me of some of the old Rayna and Deacon stuff."

Rayna had trouble catching her breath. "Where are you going with this, Watty?" she finally choked out. Her voice sounded high to her.

Watty chuckled softly. "It's your next hit. I could hear the two parts. Deacon starts and finishes, you have the middle. It's gold."

"No," Rayna said flatly. "We can't do that kind of song. That's something for Deacon and Rayna ten years ago, not today."

Watty knew it's what she would say. "You still do the old stuff. Why would this be different?"

"_Some_ of the old stuff, Watty. Not the really personal stuff. That's what this is. I can't do this. You know that."

"Try it before you say no, Rayna. I think it's your next #1."

"No, Watty. No."

"Just think about it." And he hung up.

Rayna stared at the phone. She couldn't believe it. First that Watty had been there last night. He'd heard the song and obviously saw her reaction to it. Then that he actually thought she'd even consider doing it. There were still songs she wouldn't put on the playlist because they were so deeply personal. So many times when she and Deacon wrote songs, the intensity was overwhelming. Even when they were together, singing them had been an intense experience. It was as though they were laying the rawness of their relationship out for all to see. So often she would get so caught up in the words and the meaning that everything sort of faded away except for her and Deacon. This song would be the same. But they weren't together anymore. They couldn't sing this kind of song. To each other.

#

Watty called Deacon next. "I liked that song you did last night."

Deacon laughed. "Which one? I sang several."

Watty smiled on his end. "The one you sang to Rayna."

"What?"

"You know. She finally came to see you and you sang that song for her. You put it all out there, Deacon."

"You don't know that it was for her."

Watty laughed softly. "Deacon. I know you. And I know her. I saw her reaction. She knew." He cleared his throat. "I told her y'all need to record that one."

"Oh? And what did she say?"

"Pretty much 'hell, no'. But I think she's thinking about it now."

"She won't do my songs, Watty. She kind of has a thing about that."

"I think she'll come around this time. This one is special. It's what your fans want."

"It's Rayna's fans, Watty. You know that."

"Well, I'm going to book some studio time. I'll let you know when. I want you to at least try it out." Watty hung up.

Deacon shook his head and laughed. There was no way Rayna would do his song. She'd stayed away from the songs he wrote himself, although the two of them still wrote together. It wasn't the same though. Not like it used to be.

When he thought about the old songs, he could remember them practically writing themselves. Those songs were usually written in the heat of passion, whether love or fighting. But in the end, it always led to love. Even the songs Rayna still allowed on the playlist had an undercurrent. He knew it, she knew it. After a show he would go home and fight the urge to drink. She still could get under his skin like no other woman and he couldn't seem to let her go.

#

Watty showed up at rehearsal that afternoon. Rayna practically rolled her eyes when she saw him. That old man won't let this go, she thought. She was already on edge because Deacon was late, which wasn't like him, and now here was Watty, probably to bug her about that damn song.

"Hey, Rayna," he said jovially.

"Watty," she responded flatly.

"Ah, you're upset with me. Why? I only have your best interests in mind." Rayna glared at him. "I've booked studio time for tomorrow at 5 for you and Deacon to try out the song." He looked around. "Where is he? He'll need to give you the sheet."

Rayna frowned and stomped her foot. "Damn it, Watty, I told you no. And Deacon," she waved her arm around the room, "not here. Late. He's never late. Anymore. I'm not doing this. He won't either."

Watty smiled. "Don't be so sure." He rubbed his hands together. "See you tomorrow at 5."

As he turned and walked out, Rayna yelled out after him, "I'm not going to be there, Watty!"

"Be where?" At Deacon's voice behind her, she whirled around and glared at him. His face was carefully neutral.

"I'm not doing it!" she shouted. "I don't care what he says!" And she stomped off.

Rehearsal went poorly and they broke off early. Rayna was in a foul mood at home and Teddy steered clear of her. That night as she was getting ready for bed, she found the sheet Deacon had obviously put in her bag. She closed her eyes and thought, God help me, I'm a fool to do this.

#

The next day when Rayna got to Watty's studio, Deacon was already there laying down the guitar track. Watty wanted to hear only their voices and a guitar before deciding how to lay the track. Watty smiled at her, but she ignored him. She couldn't believe she was really doing this.

"Can we lay the vocal tracks separately and then you put them together?" she asked. She really didn't want to sing this face to face with Deacon. She was very apprehensive about doing this at all. Teddy would be furious, she knew.

"I'd like to do them together."

"Can we try it my way first?" Watty shrugged. "Thank you."

Rayna sat and listened as Deacon sang his parts. Her heart was pounding and her mouth felt dry. She felt liquid to her core. Even doing this separately would be hard.

When it was her turn, she had to start over several times. She lost her breath or she stumbled over the words. She was acutely aware of Deacon watching her. When she finally finished, Watty shook his head.

"What?" Rayna asked, exasperated.

"I need you to do it together. It's the only way it works."

Rayna glared at him. She could have sworn she saw Deacon smirk, but it was gone in an instant. She could also see Watty wasn't going to budge so she shrugged. She was beginning to wish she had never come.

#

She tried closing her eyes. They were so close to each other she could smell him. They worked close together on stage, but this was different. This felt intimate, raw, exposed. She supposed the words had a lot to do with that and she didn't want to see what was in his eyes as he sang them.

Deacon watched her and in his mind he begged her to look at him. He needed to see her look at him while he sang. While she sang. And then suddenly she did and he was looking deep into her honey colored eyes. The words took on a different meaning when they could look at each other. Her voice got a little huskier, a little smokier. Exactly how he imagined she would sound.

She saw the ache in his eyes. The love he tried to hide most of the time. The yearning. What she hadn't wanted to see, but she couldn't help herself.

He saw the wetness of her eyes. He really wasn't trying to change the rules of the game, although when he was honest with himself, he knew he wished she wanted to. He was pretty sure that she still had feelings for him, but he knew she had an incredible sense of loyalty. Which was why she stayed with Teddy, even though he was pretty sure she wasn't truly happy, and why she kept him close, because he had been there with her from the beginning. He understood that doing this with him was playing on all those conflicting feelings.

She wanted to touch him. He wanted to touch her. Back when they were still a couple, they almost always held hands while recording. It connected them to the music as well as to each other. These days, of course, they didn't do that, but they hadn't done a song like this in a long time. The atmosphere in the studio was heavy with the emotions and the history and, as Watty watched, he could see it too.

When the song ended, she felt the blood pounding in her head. He felt the wind knocked out of him. They stood there looking at each other, spellbound with what they had just done. Acknowledging without words what was still in their hearts.

And then Rayna thought of Teddy and her girls and she looked away, breaking the moment. Deacon looked down, trying to collect himself.

Watty came out, clapping. "Beautiful! I don't think I'll need to do another thing to it. You haven't done anything this special in years. Maybe ever."

Rayna felt awkward now. She looked at Deacon once more with a longing she didn't want to feel. And then she turned and walked towards Watty. She stopped, put her hand on his arm, and gave him the tiniest of smiles. Only he could see the devastation in her eyes. Then she went to get her bag and walked out, leaving Deacon watching her walk away from him again.


	3. Chapter 3

Rayna cancelled rehearsal. She couldn't face Deacon after the session at Watty's. She knew she would have to eventually but she couldn't do it today.

When Maddie got home from school, they sat together on the couch while Maddie read out loud. Rayna gently smoothed her hair while only half listening to her daughter. She thought back to when she found out Maddie was Deacon's. She had really always known, but to have it confirmed made it real. It was what made everything that happened between her and Deacon from that point on so poignant, so achingly hard. More times than she cared to remember she wanted to break her promise to Teddy and tell Deacon Maddie was his. Whenever Deacon spent time with the girls, she wondered why it never occurred to him that Maddie could be his. And Maddie was so like him. Teddy hated Deacon being around the girls, but it was something Rayna was stubborn about. She kind of rationalized that if Deacon couldn't know about Maddie, he could at least have a relationship with her.

"Mom," Maddie said in a whiney voice, breaking up her reverie.

Rayna looked down and smiled at her daughter. "I'm sorry, Maddie. What?"

"Can I have a snack?"

"Sure, honey. There's fruit in the bowl." Maddie hopped up and ran into the kitchen. Rayna's eyes followed her, all the while thinking about Deacon. Damn you, Deacon, for writing that song and making me question every decision I've made in the last seven years.

She left Bucky a message to cancel rehearsal again tomorrow.

#

Bucky called the next day. "Rayna, no more cancelling. I don't know what's up, but it's three weeks til the tour and we've got a new band member that needs the practice."

"I know, Buck. I'm sorry. I just wasn't feeling good." I just wasn't feeling like I could look at the man I'm obsessed with, she thought. "We're on tomorrow. I promise."

She was still apprehensive about seeing Deacon and, sure enough, she felt all goose-bumpy when she walked in the rehearsal hall and saw him. He smiled at her, just a regular smile.

"Hey, Ray. Glad you're feeling better."

Rayna nodded. "Yeah, just one of those things." She had to look away or he would see the pain, the longing in her eyes. She had to get control back over her emotions. She had kept herself in check for seven years and it was all undone in one night and one recording session. She had to do whatever it took to get that genie back in the bottle.

The rehearsal was tense, but that was mostly her fault. She was struggling knowing that Deacon's eyes were following her. Nothing out of the ordinary about that – he needed to watch her for cues and any changes she wanted to make on the fly – but she was more aware of the fact that when he looked at her, he really was looking at her through the eyes of the past. As much as they tried, the reality was that the past was never completely buried, it was never completely unacknowledged.

After rehearsal, Rayna sat in one of the Edgehill offices at Sound Check. She needed some alone time. Bucky stuck his head in and gave her an exasperated look. "What is going on?"

Rayna shrugged. "Nothing, Buck. Just an off day. But we'll be fine."

"We better be." He looked a little perplexed. "Are you staying here?"

"For a little bit, yeah."

"Ok. Well, everyone else has left. So I'll see you tomorrow."

Good, Deacon was gone. "Great. See you tomorrow, Buck."

#

Deacon wasn't gone, however. He was sitting in his truck. He watched Bucky come out of the building, get in his car, and drive off. Then he got out of his truck and headed back inside.

He knew the song had spooked Rayna. She made it very clear when she had hired him back in her band that what they had was over. She was a wife, a mother, she had moved on. He needed to as well. He understood. He knew what he had put her through with his drinking, especially after Vince died. But he couldn't just stop loving her. It had hurt him to his core that she had moved on and hadn't waited for him after his last rehab stint. He had gotten sober for Rayna and he stayed sober for her. Because he still hoped on day she would turn to him. Turn away from a man he didn't think she really loved, at least not the way they had loved each other once.

So he wanted to talk to her. About the song, about what was next. About them. He walked quietly through the halls until he found her. She was sitting in a chair, her knees drawn up under her chin and it looked like she was crying. He hesitated, not sure he should say anything after all, but then she looked up and saw him at the door. She swiped her eyes; she _had_ been crying.

"Hey," she said, her voice quavery.

"Hey," he said softly.

She put her legs down and turned towards him. "It's ok. Come on in."

"You sure?" She nodded. "I just thought maybe we should talk."

She nodded again. "Yeah, I think you're right." She took a deep breath. "I'm just not exactly sure what to say to you though."

Deacon put his hands in his pockets. "Why don't we go walk?" Rayna nodded and stood up. Together they walked through the hall and out of the building. As they walked towards the river, Deacon took a deep breath. "I know Watty blindsided you about the song."

Rayna considered that. "He did. But so did you." She looked at him.

Deacon nodded. "Yeah, I did. But I saw you there and I wanted you to hear it."

"But why, Deacon? You know we can't go there. Why would you do that to me?"

Deacon worked his jaw. He considered his answer. Then he stopped and turned to look at her. "You could have waited for me, Rayna. Do you know how it felt to come back and find out you had moved on?"

Rayna stomped her foot and crossed her arms, then looked away. "Why was the fifth time in rehab going to be different? I couldn't keep doing that." Her voice got rough as she choked back tears. "I couldn't pull you out of a hotel room one more time, Deacon. I lost count of all the times I didn't know if you were dead or alive. And I had…" She took in a sharp breath, realizing she had come close to saying she had a child to consider.

"You had what, Ray?" Deacon challenged.

"I'd just had enough. You know that."

"And yet you married Mr. Vanilla and you live in your Belle Meade mansion and you pretend it's all good."

Rayna frowned at him. "How dare you! You don't know anything about my life!"

Deacon raised his eyebrows. "Oh, yeah? Then why did I get you all hot and bothered at The Bluebird the other night? What was it I saw in your eyes at Watty's?"

"Damn it, Deacon, don't do this to me!"

She turned to walk away and stumbled. Deacon caught her by the arm and then, as though it were preordained, he turned her into his arms and kissed her. Rayna started to push against him and then found herself sliding her hands around his neck and grabbing his hair as the kiss grew deeper and more urgent. He pulled her close, running his hands down her back.

When they finally pulled away from each other, Rayna looked stunned. "Please don't do this to me," she whispered. "I don't think I'm strong enough." She didn't look at him with anger, just sadness and maybe regret for what could have been. She turned and walked briskly back to the building, leaving Deacon watching her, his hands in his pockets, hunched forward, his heart breaking.

**I'm pretty sure this is going to go in a different direction that what I originally thought. Stay tuned and please review!**


	4. Chapter 4

Rayna called Tandy. "Hey, can I come over?"

"Sure, babe. Everything ok?"

"No. Um, I just need to talk."

"Well, come on. I'll open a bottle of wine."

Rayna quickly called Teddy to tell him she was going to Tandy's to "make up" and then she sped out of the parking lot.

Tandy met her at the door with a glass of wine and they kissed. Rayna followed her sister into the den and they sat on the couch. Rayna took a big swallow from her glass and Tandy's eyes widened. "Whoa, girl, what's going on?"

"Deacon."

Tandy looked shocked. "What do you mean, 'Deacon'?"

"The other night, when I told Teddy I was here, I went to The Bluebird to see Deacon play. He sang something he had written for me that really knocked the wind out of me."

"I'll bet."

Rayna took another big swallow. "But not only that, Watty was there and he badgered me into recording it. And all that did was create this big old mess with Deacon." She leaned back on the couch and closed her eyes. "After rehearsal today, Deacon came to talk and we ended up kissing."

"Oh. Wow." Rayna peered at Tandy. "How do you feel about that?"

"Guilty. Mad. Confused." She looked away. "I still love him, Tandy. I've never stopped loving him. And I don't know what to do about that."

Tandy inhaled sharply. "Babe, you're married. You have children. You need to get over this."

Rayna shook her head. "I know all of that. But I can't stop loving him. I don't know what to do."

Tandy looked at her sternly. "You're going to go home to your husband" – she emphasized the word 'husband' – "and be happy you have a good marriage and family. And you're going to remember the mess Deacon Claybourne made out of your life."

"My head hears all that, but my heart says something else."

Tandy shook her head. "Rayna, think about how we grew up. Because Mom couldn't be happy, we all suffered. Don't do that to your family."

"I don't know, Tandy. Maybe if she hadn't stayed with Daddy and just done something else, it would have all worked out."

"Rayna, she did do something else, she had an affair! How did that help?"

Rayna looked startled. "Mom had an affair?"

"Yes," Tandy sighed. "That's why Daddy was so angry all the time."

"I had no idea. Why didn't you tell me?"

"You were a little girl, sweetheart. You wouldn't have understood then. But that's not the answer." She grabbed Rayna's hand. "Don't do that to Teddy and the girls. You need to figure out a way to get over this thing with Deacon."

"I know. I just wish this hadn't happened. It just opened up all the old feelings."

"The other reason you don't want to let this go any further is Maddie."

Rayna frowned. "I get that, but you know how I feel about that."

"Rayna, you have to keep doing what you've been doing all these years. You have to not say a word. That won't help anyone, including Deacon."

Rayna sighed. "I know." But she looked sad.

Tandy squeezed her hand. "Babe, I know you loved Deacon. I know how hard it was for you to let him go. But you and your girls have a good life. I don't want you to forget that."

Rayna smiled ruefully. "I won't, Tandy." She reached in and hugged her sister. "Thanks for talking to me and helping me clear out the fog."

When she got back in her car later, she wrote out a text, then sat for several minutes tapping the side of her phone, trying to decide what to do. Tears formed in her eyes as she tried to reconcile her head with her heart. And then she decided, hit send, and backed out of Tandy's driveway.

#

Deacon was close to the edge. It was hard to be so close to Rayna and back away. He loved her so much it hurt. After he left Sound Check, he drove to Tootsie's and sat outside, debating going in. He finally picked up his phone and called Coleman, asking him to join him at a meeting.

At the meeting, he talked about how hard it was to walk away from the thing that meant the most to him. He talked about how close he was to going into Tootsie's and getting a drink. No one knew he was talking about Rayna. He never talked about her here.

But Coleman knew. And after the meeting they had coffee and Coleman tried to talk him away from the ledge that was Rayna Jaymes. By the time he got home he felt better and more in control but he knew that would be tested the next day at rehearsal. If Rayna didn't cancel.

He was cleaning up his kitchen when he heard the knock on his front door. He looked at the clock. 10:15. A little late for company and he frowned.

He opened the door and was surprised to see Rayna.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey," he responded.

She looked like she wasn't sure what to say at first. Then, "Deacon, I need you. I love you." He paused for only a second and then he reached for her, kissing her long and hard and deep, right there on his porch. And then he pulled her inside, shutting the door behind her.

**And here we go. I know this changes where things are on the show, but this is where the story led me. Hope you like where I'm headed.**


	5. Chapter 5

Deacon pulled Rayna inside and shut the door behind her. He couldn't take his mouth off hers, couldn't take his hands off her. He walked her over to the couch and they made love like people do that have been without each other for years – quick and hard, without even fully undressing. They were both breathing hard, staring deep into each other's eyes and then Rayna reached for him again, as though she were drowning in him and couldn't get enough.

When she rolled away from him finally, he turned on his side to face her. "So that surprised the hell out of me," he said.

She smiled at him and ran her finger over his mouth. "Me too." She leaned in to kiss him again.

As she started to run her hands over him again, he sat up. "I've got somewhere a lot more comfortable than this."

"Comfortable sounds good," she replied. He stood and took her hand, helping her up. She followed behind as he led her into his bedroom.

He took her in his arms again, kissing her hard, then stepped back and finished unbuttoning her blouse, which she shrugged off. He unfastened her bra and tossed it aside, then ran his hands over her breasts. She steadied herself by placing her hands on his hips and then pulled him closer. She unbuttoned his shirt and pushed it back so that she could feel his skin under her hands and so that she could press herself more fully against him. He grabbed her around the waist and slowly lowered them both to the bed. And then, after they had reintroduced themselves to each other quick, they proceeded to do it slowly, building up the anticipation until they exploded again.

#

Deacon wrapped his arm around Rayna and pulled her closer so that they could spoon each other. He nuzzled the side of her neck and she giggled. "How long can you stay?" he whispered.

She turned to face him. "All night." He looked surprised. "I sent a text to Teddy and said I was spending the night with Tandy." She snuggled closer to him. "I needed to be able to wake up with you. At least this time."

"There will be more times?"

"I hope there will be. I'm not a one night stand, Deacon."

Deacon kissed her. "You'd never be that, babe. I'm just so blown away by this."

Rayna smiled. "Seriously? After you wrote that song? You had to have known I was going to want to jump your bones after that."

Deacon laughed. "Can't blame a guy for trying, right? I just never thought it would actually work."

"So is that why you wrote it?"

Deacon looked pensive. "You know what? I actually wrote that song while I was in rehab. Not too long before I left to come back to Nashville. I was hoping it might be something we could do together, but then when I got back…." His voice trailed off. Rayna looked away as the implications hung in the room. Deacon gently turned her face back towards him. He kissed her again. "I love you, Ray. I've always loved you."

"I know. And I've always loved you."

"Then why…" Deacon started to speak and Rayna put a finger over his lips.

"Don't. I just want to enjoy this. There's time for talking about the rest of the world later. Now it's just about us and finding our way back to each other."

"Oh, God, Ray," Deacon growled and rolled her over onto her back. Rayna laughed gleefully and wrapped her arms around his neck. They both felt as though they had come home that night.

#

The next morning they were awakened by the sun streaming in through the blinds. Rayna was laying on her stomach with the covers wrapped around her, Deacon barely was covered by the edge of the sheet. He laughed and leaned in to kiss her neck. "You know there's one thing that hasn't changed," he said.

"What's that?" she said with a satisfied smile.

"You still steal all the covers."

"I do not! You throw them off! And I'm freezing!" He rolled her over to face him and she wrapped herself up in his arms. "I don't ever want to leave here."

Deacon nuzzled her nose. "Then don't."

Rayna sighed and lowered her head to kiss his chest. "I have to. I need to go home to my girls."

Deacon sighed and pulled her closer. "So, is this the beginning of something or just a nice memory of what used to be?"

Rayna raised her head and looked at him. "It's not just a nice memory. What I said last night was the truth. I love you. I want more than just this one night. But it's going to be complicated. I'm not changing my life right now. I can't. I want to add you to it, though. Can you deal with that?"

Deacon was silent for a moment. "I guess I have to."

"You don't _have_ to. But I want you to. I want to be with you as much as I can. The tour's coming up and we can spend a lot of time together then."

"I don't want to just be your secret lover, Ray. I want to be in your life."

"You will be. You are. But I have to do this the right way and right now blowing my life up isn't the right way." She kissed him. "I do want you to know you are the only man I love." She kissed him again. "Does that help at all?"

Deacon kissed her back and rubbed her cheek with his thumb. "Yes, it helps. And I'll take whatever part of you I can get. But just know I won't be satisfied with that forever." Rayna nodded. Deacon grinned at her and rolled on top of her. "I need a little something to get me through the rest of the day without you," he murmured and she laughed. Then he covered her mouth with his and they continued what they had started the night before.

#

At rehearsal, Deacon would find excuses to touch Rayna. Not in an obvious way, but he would brush against her or sex up a song a little more than they had been. Rayna would look at him through half-lidded eyes or she would give him a tiny smile.

More than anything, Rayna found herself relaxing more than she had in years. She felt the tension run down and out of her body as though she had been wearing it as a fish net wrapped tight around her. She smiled more. She wanted to smile more. She also didn't want to be obvious, though. It was a delicious little secret to know that she and Deacon had reconnected, but it was important that it be something only the two of them would know.

After rehearsal, they would meet somewhere to have some time together. Sometimes all they did was make out, but usually that was not enough. One day after everyone had left, Deacon pulled Rayna into a supply closet. When he turned out the light it was pitch black dark and they laughed softly about the fact that they had to make love essentially blind. But they knew each other so well, it was as though the lights were brightly shining. Afterwards, the light that came up from under the door was enough so that they could make out each others' faces. Rayna kissed Deacon. "It's good to know I'd know you even in the dark," she said huskily. Deacon kissed her back and pulled her onto his lap, not wanting to let her go.

One afternoon, they rode out to the country in Deacon's truck. After making love in the truck bed, Deacon wrapped them up in a blanket and held her close. "So, we leave on tour day after tomorrow. What's your plan?" he asked.

Rayna smiled. "You know how when you check in they always ask you how many keys you want?" Deacon nodded. "So I always ask for two. I don't know why, but I always do. But they always put them both in the same key jacket. Which seems dumb. I mean, if you lose one you're losing them both. Anyway, my thought is that I'll still get two keys, but I'm going to ask them to put each one in its own jacket. I'll hold on to one and put the other in my bag. Then you and I need to be the first ones on the elevator and we'll stand in the back, right next to each other. And I'll slip you one of those keys. Then you can come to my room whenever you like." She kissed him lightly. "You can still have your own room for when you need some alone time."

"I don't know that I'm going to want any alone time." He kissed her back. "Damn, Ray, you are smart. That's a great plan."

She laughed out loud. "I thought so too. Very ingenious. No one will be able to tell what we're doing. Just make sure nobody sees you come to my room."

Deacon kissed her on the forehead and then hugged her close to him. He was beyond happy to have Rayna back in his life, but the secrecy was beginning to bug him a little. He didn't understand why she couldn't just leave Teddy and be with him. He didn't want to press things too much just yet, but he knew he wouldn't be able to do things this way forever.


	6. Chapter 6

Rayna was excited about starting the tour. That was always true. What made it more exciting this time was knowing she'd be able to be with Deacon. A lot. On this first leg of the tour, they were starting in Cincinnati and would spend seven weeks on the road ending in Boston. Then home for two weeks before heading out again. She felt tingly everywhere thinking about seven weeks of spending all night with Deacon. Just like they used to, back before his fifth try at rehab and her getting married to Teddy. She smiled to herself as she packed her personal luggage.

As she was getting dressed, she was absentmindedly humming. After putting on a comfortable old flannel shirt and a denim miniskirt, she was pulling on her boots and realized she was humming "No One Will Ever Love You". She and Deacon had written that after a major argument, she couldn't remember what about anymore. That was the way it happened so often. They would argue and fight, Rayna would storm out of the room in tears, Deacon would walk out slamming the door as he headed to the closest bar with Vince. When he came home, he would always have a sheepish look on his face and he would sneak up on her and nuzzle her neck and wrap his arms around her. She could never resist him. They would end up in bed and then later, sated, they would write.

She smiled to herself, thinking about snuggling up with Deacon again, hopefully writing together again. When she looked up, Teddy was staring at her oddly. She instantly felt guilty, as though he could see into her mind. "What's up, babe?" she asked.

Teddy shook his head. "I'm going to have to take Maddie to school soon and I thought you might want to spend some time with her before you leave."

Rayna dropped her makeup bag on the counter. "Absolutely, babe. I'll be right there." She quickly brushed her hair back into a ponytail and then followed her husband out to the kitchen.

Maddie was sitting at the kitchen island eating cereal. She looked up when Rayna walked in and gave her a sad smile. Rayna walked over and gave her a hug. "What's that look for?" she asked.

Maddie sighed. "I'm going to miss you, Mom. I wish I could come with you."

Rayna smiled at her daughter. "Well, you have to go to school, sweetheart. And I'll be home before you know it."

Maddie frowned. "No you won't. It will be such a long time." Maddie could be such a drama queen, Rayna thought. She looked into Maddie's puppy dog eyes, so like Deacon's.

"Oh, it's not really that long. And you have so much going on at school. But, sweetie, I'll be home for Halloween." She smiled at her daughter. Maddie loved Halloween.

"Really?" Maddie smiled. "Will you take me out to trick or treat?"

Rayna looked over at Teddy. "You don't want your dad to do that? He always takes you."

"I guess. But maybe this time you could, Mom. That would be so nice."

"We'll talk about it when your mom is back home," Teddy said. "Maddie, you need to go get your book bag so we can go." And Maddie hopped down and ran off to her room.

Teddy and Rayna both watched their oldest daughter leave the room and then Rayna turned to get a cup of coffee. Bucky would be here to pick her up in an hour and she wanted to get her things ready.

"So you've seemed a little more upbeat the last couple days," Teddy said. "More than I would have thought with leaving the girls for seven weeks."

Rayna rolled her eyes. "Seriously, Teddy? We're going to have this argument again? You know I have to tour or there would be no money. There's never a 'right' time to do this."

Teddy frowned. "I don't like the fact that you're out on the road like this. Like you're a single woman."

"Oh, my God, Teddy. I don't want to do this with you again. It's not like you can go with me or that the girls can go out on tour. It's just not practical."

"I still don't like the fact that Deacon's on tour with you."

Rayna turned away. They had this same discussion every time she went out on tour. But, of course, this time he was right. "Teddy…" she started.

"I heard you humming that song. One of your old songs." Rayna was a little surprised that he would recognize it. He never acted like he was that interested in her career, except as a means to an end. "Are you thinking about sleeping with him?"

Rayna felt her heart racing and took a deep breath to calm her rattled nerves. "Teddy, we can't keep having this conversation." Then she walked out of the room and back to her bedroom to finish packing.

###

Deacon took a cup of coffee and went out and sat on his front steps. Early September in Nashville was a great time of year, but they'd been home most of the summer and he was anxious to get on the road again. He smiled to himself as he thought about Rayna. He still couldn't believe that she had shown up on his doorstep, that she had told him she loved him, that she wanted him in her life again. More than just as her bandleader.

They had not really talked a lot about the future. Other than Rayna's initial pronouncement that nothing would change in her life. Meaning she was going to stay married to Teddy. Thinking about that stirred up some old demons for Deacon. It had been awhile since he'd actually had a situation in his life make him even think about a drink, but this one did.

When he had come back from rehab the last time, he'd been hurt that Rayna had not waited. That not only had she not waited, but that she had gone off and gotten married and pregnant. He knew he had tested her limits over the years and he did feel bad about that. But he had thought this was his last chance. That when he came home, they would be together again and he would prove to her that her faith in him was justified.

It was not to be, though. He was devastated. And he vowed to himself that he would show her that she had made a mistake by not waiting this time. It hadn't been easy. It had taken a long time before he stopped thinking about booze and pills every minute of the day. It had been hard to be a part of her band again, and her life, and watch her with a husband and first one, then two daughters. But he was determined that this time it would stick. Because this time he wanted to make her proud of him.

He had often wondered about how solid her marriage was. He didn't have occasion to see Teddy much and he knew Teddy disliked him simply because of his history with Rayna. Which, truth be told, Deacon took a bit of perverse pleasure in. But whenever he looked in Rayna's eyes, he didn't see the joy he had seen in them when they were together.

He never thought Rayna would settle down. At least not in the traditional way. He thought they would always be a little free spirited, not tied down to anything or anyone but themselves. He could see that she adored her daughters and she was a good mother. Deacon loved her girls too, because they were hers, but it wasn't what he would have thought was the life she would want. They had never talked about having a family, just about each other. Sometimes he wondered if he should have married her, but he thought she probably wouldn't have married drunk Deacon. And that was who he was during most of their relationship.

He sighed. He had lost the only woman he'd ever loved to his addiction and he had had to accept that consequence. But this felt like a second chance and he was hoping that at some point he would be able to convince her to leave Mr. Vanilla and come back to him. For now, though, he would take this. He smiled to himself again as he thought about being able to stay with her every night. He'd get to have her the way he liked, just the two of them with eyes only for each other.

His phone rang and when he looked at it he saw it was Rayna. He smiled as he answered. "Hey."

"Hey yourself. Bucky just picked me up and we're headed to Sound Check. Are you on your way?"

Deacon jumped up and started back for the house. "Headed that way now. See you soon."

###

On the bus to Cincinnati, Rayna, Bucky and Deacon all sat up front to talk about the playlist. It was only a four hour drive so they needed to make the most of the time to get organized for the tour's opening night. Bucky had been surprised that Rayna was willing to add in some of the old songs, the ones that were more personal. She had been very strict about not going down that path in the past. He knew that it had always been tough on her to have Deacon in her band after their relationship had ended, but she had been stubborn about having, in her words, the best of the best in her band.

Rayna looked at Deacon and then back to Bucky. "So, Buck, there's a new song I'd like to add. Deacon wrote it and we recorded it for Watty and I think it would be nice to test drive it in Cincy."

Bucky raised his eyebrows. "Oh? What's the name of it?"

Rayna looked at Deacon. Deacon cleared his throat. "Um, 'I Need You'," he said.

"Wow. Ok." Bucky smiled and winked at both of them. "That sounds like something that the fans would like."

Rayna reached over and put her hand on Deacon's arm. She felt herself almost quiver with anticipation and she wondered if he felt the same. "Deacon, there's a song that you wrote that Watty played for me that I'd like to try. 'Back Home'. Would you be willing to practice with me on it? We may not put it in tonight, but for later in the tour."

Deacon nodded. Rayna's hand on his arm had been electric and it was all he could do not to reach for her. "Absolutely. I think that would be a great song for you to do."

"Could we try it now, just to see how it sounds? I know it'll be acoustic, but it would give us a chance to practice some harmonies."

Deacon got up and reached for his guitar. And as Rayna sang, he focused his eyes on her.

_Sometimes it feels like I'm so far away  
Like everything I love has lost its place  
When life gets the best of me, I just close my eyes and see_

Fireflies dancing in the yard under the blanket of stars  
The sound of their rusty string guitar playing songs we know  
And all that I have to do is think one little thought of you  
And I'm back home, I'm right back home

Work so long and hard to chase your dreams  
Wind up someplace you don't want to be  
It's such a lonely road, especially when you know

There's fireflies dancing in the yard, under the blanket of stars  
The sound of their rusty string guitar playing songs we know  
And all that I have to do, is think one little thought of you  
And I'm back home, I'm right back home  
I'm back home, yeah I'm right back home

Bucky smiled when she was done. "Great song! I like that one." Rayna looked at Deacon and smiled. She knew he'd written it for her and, although she had loved it the minute Watty had played it for her, she wouldn't consider doing it before. But she felt like she was back home now and it was the most appropriate way she knew to say that to Deacon on stage.

###

They arrived at the hotel in Cincinnati mid-afternoon. As the band and crew got off the bus, Bucky let everyone know that sound check would be at the arena at 6:00, so everyone needed to be back on the bus by 5:30. Rayna cut a quick look at Deacon and a small smile, hoping he understood that she wanted him to come up. At the front desk, she got her two keys and, just as planned, they both got on the elevator and stood in the back. But then Bucky got on and pushed his way back to the back as well, talking to the both of them about the set list again.

Rayna tried to focus on what he was saying. Then she felt Deacon's hand touch hers and his fingers reached for the key jacket. She relaxed then and talked animatedly to Bucky until first Deacon got off the elevator and then Bucky did as well.

Rayna walked into the penthouse suite. The soaring windows overlooked downtown Cincinnati and the river. As she stood looking out, she thought about how far she had come. She could still remember the cheap motels that she and Deacon stayed in when they were first starting out. They didn't mind, they were together and that was all that mattered. But now she was at a place in her career where she could afford luxury hotels and penthouse suites. And considering where she was right now, that made her life easier.

She heard a knock on the door and then heard the key unlock it. She stood looking out the window until she felt his breath on her neck. She leaned into him and he wrapped his arms around her. She reached up and put her hands on his arms and then turned to face him. As she wrapped her arms around his waist, he bent down to kiss her, a kiss full of promise and desire and heat that went on and on. When they finally broke away from each other, she smiled up at him. "I'm so glad you're here."

He smiled and kissed her on the nose. "Me too. It was so hard on that damn bus not to just pull you back in the back and have my way with you."

She laughed. "Well, now you have your chance. We have a little time before sound check. I'd say we should make the best of it." And then she took his hand and led him into the bedroom and, although she didn't need to, she shut the door anyway.


	7. Chapter 7

On the bus headed back for the hotel after the show, Bucky was talking animatedly about how things had gone. "That was really high energy tonight, guys," he said. "I think the new duet song was a huge hit."

Deacon smiled. "I thought it sounded good. Ray, what did you think?"

Rayna seemed to be in a pensive mood. She gave him a small smile. "I did think it went well."

Bucky picked up on a lack of enthusiasm and frowned. "Are you unhappy with something?"

Rayna shook her head absently. "No, not really. Just kind of decompressing. You know how that goes." She seemed distracted, which worried both Bucky and Deacon, although for different reasons.

Bucky had picked up on a different vibe between Rayna and Deacon even before the tour, but he couldn't decide what it was about. Things were certainly more comfortable between the two than they had been in a long time and he was hoping Rayna wasn't going back into her shell again. "Can we meet for lunch tomorrow? To talk about tomorrow night's show?"

Rayna looked up without expression. "Yeah, Buck, that sounds good. I think I might want to change a couple things up a bit." And then she looked out the bus window, effectively ending the conversation. Deacon looked at her and wondered what was going on. He hoped she'd talk to him when he got to her room later.

Rayna was still quiet as they got on the elevator. She leaned back and closed her eyes. Deacon stood next to her but without touching her. He was confused by her behavior. When the elevator stopped on his floor, she opened her eyes and looked at him, but made no reaction.

He went to his room and dropped his satchel on the desk. He reached in his back pocket for the key to her room and then sat on the bed. He wondered if something had changed between the time they'd left her room to go to sound check and after the show. She had seemed fine on stage. She seemed happy after they sang "I Need You", which was what he was most nervous about. They'd even done "Postcard from Mexico" and she had given him the come on looks she used to give him before she got married and things changed. The fans had gone crazy because they could pick up on the change in the vibe.

But she had been in an odd mood on the bus. Like she was pulling away. He wasn't sure he could handle that. He finally pulled out his phone and called her.

"Where are you?" she asked.

"In my room."

"Aren't you coming up?"

"You just seemed a little, I don't know, not yourself after the show."

She smiled on her end. "Just thinking through some changes." She paused. "I need you, babe. Right now."

"I'm on my way." He disconnected the call, slipped the phone in his pocket, and, with a relieved smile on his face, he left his room and headed for the elevator.

###

When Deacon got to Rayna's room, she ran and jumped in his arms, kissing him all over his face as he laughed. She pulled him over to the couch and sat on his lap. "You know I can't act like I want to jump your bones on the bus, babe," she said.

"I guess not, but I was kind of worried there for a minute."

She snuggled into his neck and he wrapped his arms around her waist. "Don't ever be worried," she whispered. "This is right where I want to be." She leaned in and kissed him. As the kiss got deeper, she crawled off his lap, took his hand and led him into the bedroom.

###

Long after, late into the night, they were wrapped up in the sheets, in each other. Deacon ran his hand through Rayna's hair and down her arm, pulling her closer. She ran her fingers through his hair, then down his face to his mouth, across his lips. Then she took a breath and Deacon knew that whatever had been on her mind in the bus, now she was ready to talk about it.

"So, I wanted to tell you this now instead of springing it on you for the first time in front of Bucky." She ran her foot down his leg and back up. He groaned and pulled her closer. She smiled and kissed him lightly. "I really like your song 'Back Home', but I don't think it's for me to sing."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I know you want me to consider some of your songs and I thought that might be a good one. I really like the message but…I think you did write it _about_ me." She slid her foot in between his legs.

He leaned into her. "Damn, girl, you don't make having a conversation with you easy," he growled.

She laughed softly. "Deacon, I love that song, but I think you really wrote it to sing to me. Am I right?"

"I suppose." He had to admit he felt a little disappointed that she didn't want to sing it.

"I want you to sing it for me. Not onstage, but just for me. My own private show." She kissed him again and slid her hand under the sheets, pressing harder and harder against his mouth.

Deacon rolled her over and whispered against her mouth, "All I have to do is think one little thought of you, and I'm back home."

###

Bucky and Deacon were both waiting for Rayna at the hotel restaurant. Bucky thought she looked more relaxed, which made him relax. "You look better today than last night," he said.

Rayna sat down next to Deacon and waved him off. "I can't believe you've forgotten how I like to deconstruct the show in my head afterwards."

Bucky smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, you're right. So what did you come up with?"

Rayna looked up at the hovering server and ordered a salad and iced tea. Then she looked back at Bucky. "I'm going to take 'Back Home' out of the playlist." She put her hand on Deacon's arm and looked at him. "It's a beautiful song, Deacon, but it just didn't feel right for me. We can look at something else. Or" and she smiled "we could write something new. We have time and plenty of opportunity to try it out. Then if we like it, we can put it on the album."

Deacon nodded. "What about 'I Need You'?"

"That one's a keeper. Didn't you feel how much the audience loved it? I have to admit that Watty was right on in his assessment of that one."

Bucky smiled, feeling relieved that Rayna seemed back to herself. "Speaking of the album, we just have a few days when we're in Nashville at the end of this leg. Are you going to be up for recording at all?"

Rayna nodded. "As long as I can have Halloween at home. Maddie, especially, is looking forward to that."

Deacon smiled at the mention of Maddie. "What's she dressing up as?"

"A princess," Rayna said with a laugh. "Same as last year."

After lunch, she asked Deacon to take a walk with her and they strolled slowly down towards the Ohio River, her hand in the crook of his elbow, just walking silently. They found a bench in a riverside park and sat, close but not quite touching.

Deacon leaned forward, resting his elbows on his legs and looked back at Rayna. She looked relaxed, something she had not in a very long time. "You know, Ray, I love being with you, but I have to wonder what your plan is," he said quietly.

Rayna looked away and licked her lips. Then she took a breath and looked back at him. "I don't have a plan, Deacon. Other than to be with you as much as I can. I can't really think beyond that. You know that."

"You seem happier now than you have in years," Deacon pushed.

"Please don't ask, Deacon. Not right now. Let's just enjoy this for now. It's like quiet time being with you and I need that. I need you. I'm just not ready to make any big decisions in the middle of a tour."

Deacon looked out over the water. He didn't want to push too hard, because he didn't want to push her away. He decided that, for now, he would be patient. But it wasn't in his nature to be patient for long. Especially where Rayna was concerned. He sat back and reached for her hand, squeezing it lightly and then letting go. He turned to her and smiled. "Ok," he said. And she smiled back.


	8. Chapter 8

**This chapter has a new song in it, the Keith Whitley song "When You Say Nothing At All".**

After Cincinnati, the tour went through Columbus, Cleveland and then down to Pittsburgh. They had an extra day in Pittsburgh before heading to Baltimore and Rayna and Deacon put the Do Not Disturb tag on the door and just spent time alone. It wasn't all non-productive time, as they found time to write a song they called "Changing Ground". It was like much of what they had been writing together since Rayna had gotten married and they were happy with it, but then Deacon suggested writing something more like their older hits, something more personal.

Rayna sat up against the headboard and ran her fingers down Deacon's arm. "You don't think someone might wonder why we're writing like that again?"

Deacon didn't really care, but he understood her concern. "You seem ok singing 'I Need You'."

"But you wrote that."

"We've been doing some of the old stuff."

"Yeah, I guess." She laid her head on his shoulder. "Let me think on it. I need a jumping off point."

Deacon smiled at her, put his guitar down, and then rolled over to pull her into his arms. As he leaned in to kiss her he said, "Let me help you with that jumping off point." Rayna laughed and kissed him back.

###

Later that night, they were curled up together on the couch with the remnants of room service appetizers on the coffee table. They sat quietly, just enjoying being together. Rayna thought about how they had always been comfortable in the silences. Her friends always panicked in moments like this, worried that if they weren't always interacting that the guy was losing interest.

Silences with Teddy were always stressful – it often meant he was suspicious or that he didn't trust her. The silences were never companionable. But she'd never felt that way with Deacon. They could be in the house together doing separate things. He could be working on his music while she was in the kitchen. And periodically they would literally touch base. He'd come find her and pull her into his arms for a kiss. Or something more. Or she would walk in and sit down next to him, just wanting to be close. It was comforting to know they could communicate with a touch, a look, without any words.

She leaned in now, with a smile, to kiss him. "I love you, babe," she said softly.

He reached his hand out to pull her closer to him. "I love you too," he murmured. Then he stood up and reached his hand out for hers. She took it and when she stood up, he dipped down and picked her up, carrying her into the bedroom.

###

As the fourth week of the tour was drawing to a close in Chicago, Bucky met with Rayna in the hotel lobby. "So, I got a call about a possible small venue location show."

Rayna frowned. "Where? When?"

"In Ann Arbor. The day after the Detroit show. We have an off day and Ann Arbor's close, so I thought it might work."

Rayna hated the idea of giving up an off day. She enjoyed putting out the Do Not Disturb tag and enjoying a day with Deacon. She shook her head slightly and scrunched up her nose. "I don't know, Buck…"

"Here's what I was thinking. Maybe just you and Deacon, acoustic, with some of the old stuff. 'End of the Day', 'No One Will Ever Love You', that kind of thing. It's a place called The Ark, 500 seats. Just a cozy thing."

Rayna thought about it. "Maybe," she said.

Bucky smiled. "I need to let them know tomorrow."

She lightly punched his arm. "You're so bad, Buck." She shrugged. "Why not? It's been a long time since Deacon and I have done something like that. Do you wanna tell him?"

"Sure. You think he'll be ok with it?"

Rayna smiled broadly. "Oh, he likes those small, cozy places. He won't mind."

"Do you have anything new you want to try?"

"Actually, I have something running in my head that I thought Deacon and I could work on this week. I'm sure we can get it done."

Bucky gave her a thumbs up. "Sounds great!" And he got up and walked back towards the elevator.

Rayna pulled out her phone and called Deacon. "Hey, babe," she said when he answered. "I've got a song idea. Meet me upstairs?" At his response she smiled and hung up. Then she got up and walked toward the elevator. When she got in she pressed the PH floor.

The elevator stopped at the seventh floor and Deacon got on with his guitar. When he saw her, he smiled. When the doors closed, he moved towards her and pressed her against the wall, kissing her. Her hands moved up to his neck, pulling him closer, then she ran her fingers through his hair. He pulled her closer as he continued kissing her. At the elevator bell signaling they'd reached Rayna's floor, they pulled apart. As the elevator doors opened, Rayna took Deacon's hand and led him to her room.

###

"So I figured out the jumping off point for the song," she said when they got in the room.

"Song first then?"

Rayna nodded. "Yeah." They sat on the couch and Rayna pulled out a sheet of paper from her bag. "Here's how it starts. _It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart. Without saying a word you can light up the dark. Try as I may I could never explain What I hear when you don't say a thing._"

"How do you hear it?" Deacon pulled up his guitar and did some light picking.

"Kind of light and delicate. It's about being comfortable in the silences. And I sing, with you harmonizing."

They spent the next several hours working on it until it was time to break for sound check. It was nearly dawn when they had it the way they liked it and then they fell asleep in each other's arms.

###

Two days later, in Baltimore, they played the song for Bucky at sound check.

_It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart_

_Without saying a word you can light up the dark_

_Try as I may I could never explain_

_What I hear when you don't say a thing_

_The smile on your face lets me know that you need me_

_There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me_

_The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall_

_You say it best when you say nothing at all_

_All day long I can hear people talking out loud_

_But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd_

_Old Mr. Webster could never define_

_What's being said between your heart and mine_

_The smile on your face lets me know that you need me_

_There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me_

_The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall_

_You say it best when you say nothing at all_

_The smile on your face lets me know that you need me_

_There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me_

_The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall_

_You say it best when you say nothing at all_

Bucky's face broke into a huge smile. "Wow! Wow! That was amazing!" He clapped. "I can't wait for Watty to hear that one."

Rayna smiled shyly at Deacon for just a second. This had perfectly captured that thought she'd had about how comfortable they were in silence. It was her love song to him and she was so happy they'd done it together.

###

They had three nights in New York City at The Beacon Theater. In two weeks the first leg of the tour would be over. Bucky and Rayna had tweaked the playlist multiple times over the five weeks. He decided to go up to see her before they met Deacon for lunch. He had an idea about having Deacon sing "Back Home" but wanted to talk to her before they met. If she didn't like the idea, he didn't want to bring it up for the first time in front of Deacon. The two of them were getting along exceptionally well and he didn't want to mess that up.

It was 10:45 so he was sure she'd be up. The elevator doors opened on the PH floor and Bucky stepped out. He hadn't taken two steps when Deacon walked out of Rayna's room wearing his clothes from the night before.

When their eyes met, Deacon took in a sharp breath. Bucky looked away for a moment, then back. "Deacon," he said flatly.

Deacon nodded. "Buck." And walked past Bucky to the elevator. Bucky turned and watched him get on, but Deacon never looked back.

Bucky stood there, not sure what he wanted to do. Then he walked over to Rayna's door and knocked. She pulled the door open and was saying "You left your key…" when she saw Bucky standing there. Her eyes widened.

"Rayna," he said. "Can I come in?"

Rayna turned red and nodded, stepping aside to let him in. She pulled her robe more tightly around her and followed Bucky into the sitting room.

Bucky turned back to face her. "Not what I was expecting to see this morning." Rayna was silent. "I saw Deacon, Rayna. What's going on?"

Rayna sat down. "Pretty much what you're thinking is going on," she said.

Bucky sat down also and rubbed his hands over his face. "So has this been going on the whole tour?" Rayna looked away. "I'm going to take that as a yes." He sighed. "No wonder the two of you have been getting along so well."

Rayna looked back at him. "I don't want to talk about it, Bucky. It's my private life and I'd like to keep it that way."

Bucky nodded. "Understood." He stood up, then walked over to her and put a hand on her shoulder. "As long as you're happy, that's all I care about."

Rayna put her hand over his and looked up at him. "Thanks, Buck."

And then he left without talking to her about why he had come up in the first place. It could wait.

###

Rayna felt like she was going to throw up. She had opened the door with the spare key Deacon had forgotten to pick up on his way out, thinking it was him. And now Bucky knew. She put her head in her hands. She was sure he wouldn't say a word but she hated the fact that things would be awkward, at least for a while.

And he'd seen Deacon. Deacon! She got up and ran to get her phone. He answered almost as soon as she hit Call. "I'm sorry, Ray," he said as he answered.

Rayna shook her head. "Don't be. It wasn't your fault."

"What did he say?"

"Nothing really. He wanted to be sure I was happy."

"Are you?"

"Happier than I've been in years." She smiled to herself. "Can you meet me outside? I don't think Bucky's going to be up for lunch and I'm hungry."

Deacon chuckled softly. "Sure. Where?"

"Just meet me out front. We can find someplace."

"In an hour?"

"With bells on." She smiled as she disconnected. As startling as Bucky's appearance was, she knew she could trust him. She texted him that she was going out for lunch and would see him later.

###

Deacon watched as she came through the lobby. She had dressed down, in old jeans and cowboy boots and a suede jacket. Her hair was captured under her fedora and she had her sunglasses on. She was as disguised as she could be. Putting her hair up was smart since that gorgeous red gold hair that he liked to tangle his fingers in was a dead giveaway.

She walked out quickly and took his arm. They walked up the street until they found a dive bar that was dark inside. They sat next to each other in a booth, Rayna on the inside. She took off her jacket and sunglasses but not the hat.

Deacon smiled at her. "That shirt looks familiar."

Rayna glanced at the flannel shirt, then back at him with a smile. "I have to confess, I took this from you years ago. Something to remember you by." She leaned in to kiss him. "I've always slept in it on tour."

Deacon looked surprised. "Really?"

Rayna shrugged. "It kept you close."

A server came over and they ordered burgers and fries. One order of fries, like always. Rayna would always eat a few off his plate.

"So, that was awkward with Bucky," Deacon said.

Rayna sighed. "Yeah. I never imagined he'd show up like that. I trust him though."

"It doesn't change anything?"

"Why would it?"

Deacon shrugged. "I don't know. I just thought you'd be uncomfortable."

"I don't like it. But that's not what would stop me from seeing you."

"What would?"

Rayna frowned. "Nothing right now, Deacon. As long as everything stays the same, I'm happy."

Deacon nodded, sipping on his water. Rayna let the silence sit. She knew he wanted her to leave Teddy, even though he hadn't brought it up recently. But she knew, at least for now, she wasn't ready to upend her life. There was too much at stake and she had no idea how to handle it yet.

When the food came, Deacon picked up his burger and started eating. Rayna cut hers in half and took a small bite, then reached for a French fry. Before she put it in her mouth, she looked at Deacon and smiled. "I'll bet Bucky never comes up to my room again without calling first." She chewed on her French fry while he laughed.


	9. Chapter 9

**This turned into a really long chapter, but there was a lot to say. Hope you enjoy!**

It was a travel day. They were leaving New York, heading out for Philadelphia. After that would be Detroit. They had not talked about Ann Arbor. Hell, they really hadn't talked about anything since that morning in Rayna's room. So Rayna texted Bucky. _Meet me in the lobby in 10?_ Almost immediately he texted back. _K_.

Rayna sighed. Bucky had been with her almost from the beginning. When she started working on her first album, Watty had introduced her to him. She had liked him instantly. He was like a big brother to her. He had been a great manager all these years, always had her back, always knew exactly what she needed. She could not have done any of this without him. She could not have survived the turmoil with Deacon all those years without him. She needed him.

She put on her jacket and hat and then grabbed her suitcase for the ride. The rest of her stuff had already been picked up. She rode down the elevator and actually felt nervous. She knew how Bucky felt about her and she never wanted him to be disappointed in her. She was worried that he was.

When she got to the lobby, he was there. He smiled and waved and she smiled back. They hugged and then sat down. Rayna was suddenly at a loss for words.

"So, are you ready to leave New York?" he asked.

"I'm actually ready to get home and see my girls. It's been a long six weeks."

"It has." Bucky seemed to be waiting for her to take the lead.

"Look, Buck, I don't want things to be weird between us."

Bucky shook his head. "Not weird. I guess I should have figured it out." He patted her arm. "I meant what I said, I want you to be happy. And I have to say that this is the most relaxed I've seen you in years. This has been the best tour we've had since, well, since before everything imploded in '99. I couldn't be more pleased about that."

Rayna felt the tears well up. "Thanks, Buck," she said, her voice raw with emotion. "I would have to agree with you."

He pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to her. "Here's my thoughts on the playlist for Ann Arbor."

Rayna looked at it and then looked up, her eyes wide with surprise. "You want Deacon to do 'Back Home'?"

"Only if you're ok with it. But it's a nice add to an acoustic set, even if it's not you doing the vocals."

Rayna took a breath. 'I think it's a great idea, Bucky. Have you mentioned it to Deacon?"

Bucky shook his head. "Not yet. I wanted you to make the call."

"Let him know. I hope he'll say yes, but I can't imagine he won't."

Bucky nodded and looked down. Then he looked back at Rayna. "So what's going to happen with the two of you?" Rayna looked uncomfortable and he hurriedly added, "Just so I know how to plan."

"Nothing's changing. For now. And I don't want…."

Bucky waved her off. "Not a word."

Rayna smiled at him. "Thanks, Buck. So are we good?"

"We're good."

###

Rayna was a little nervous about the Ann Arbor show as she, Deacon and Bucky rode over. She had not done an intimate show like this since early in her career, not counting a random set at someplace like The Bluebird. She had definitely not done anything like this with Deacon since they had broken up.

Deacon had been pleased she wanted to add 'Back Home' to the playlist. They would do it about midway through the set and she would do some harmonizing. But most of the rest of what they were doing were their bread and butter songs from the days they had been a couple, some of which they had not done since then. So many of those songs had their origin in some of the most deeply personal and intimate parts of their lives. They were even doing an acoustic version of "Postcard from Mexico". These were songs they would both get lost in. It would be an entire night of emotions like the ones stirred up for her now when they did 'I Need You'.

Deacon's thoughts were similar to Rayna's. He'd been surprised she'd agreed to this kind of show. He knew it would be emotional for her. Hell, for both of them. He was looking forward to doing 'Back Home'. Rayna was right that he'd written it for her, about her. It was the perfect song to sing to her tonight. He did feel back home in many ways. But he also felt like they were coming to a crossroads.

Deacon and Rayna were sitting in the back seat of the Town Car. Deacon moved his hand slightly so that he could graze Rayna's fingers. She breathed in but didn't move her hand. She wanted to be wrapped up in his arms, but being able to touch him helped calm her nerves.

Rayna thought about her relationship with Deacon. She was risking a lot for this. There was nothing she wanted more than to be with Deacon full time but she had her girls to think of. Particularly Maddie. She knew the truth about Maddie's paternity would throw a huge obstacle into her relationship with Deacon. She had no idea how he would respond and she was afraid to go down that path. As unhappy as she was in her marriage to Teddy, she was afraid to blow everything up. She knew absolutely that to truly move forward with Deacon meant she had to tell him the truth about their daughter. And she wasn't sure she was strong enough to do that. Even if it meant she lost him.

###

Rayna was glad they did the show. It was as raw and personal as she feared it would be, but being able to sit on stage next to Deacon, singing only to him, seeing everything laid out in their eyes, was joyous. It felt like there was no one except for the two of them on the stage. When he sang 'Back Home', she struggled with her composure. She had missed this. So much. She was pretty sure it was going to complicate things, but for now her heart was full. At the end of the show, Deacon covered her hand as she rested it on her knee and she squeezed his fingers as though she was drawing strength from him. The applause washed over them, enthusiastic and strong.

When they left the stage, she felt his hand on the small of her back, leading her. She felt tears spring to her eyes unexpectedly. When they were completely off stage, she turned and let Deacon envelop her in his arms. To anyone else, it probably just looked like two people acknowledging good performances. To Rayna, it felt like an anchor in a storm. In her storm. Because she was pretty sure the gale winds would be blowing soon and she felt powerless to change the course.

###

The storm started a little sooner than she thought it would. Back at the hotel in Detroit, when Deacon came to her room, he seemed agitated. They sat on the couch curled up against each other, but Rayna could feel his tension. Even though he was holding her close, he was working his lip like he was trying to work through a problem.

"I thought the show went well," she said.

"Yeah," he responded.

She turned to look at him. "Are you ok?" He had that hurt puppy dog look in his eyes.

"What happens when we get home, Ray?"

She knew where he was going but decided not to take the bait. Yet. "Watty has us set up to record for a couple days…."

Deacon frowned and interrupted her. "So what happens when _you_ get home? Do you just jump back into blissful married life?"

Rayna frowned back. "It's complicated, Deacon. You know that."

"Are you gonna sleep with him?"

Rayna caught her breath. "Deacon, I…."

"I know he'll expect it. And it makes me crazy to think about it."

Rayna turned around to face him, pulling slightly away from him. His face looked dark. "Babe, I have to do what I need to to get through these few days. Trust me that it's not what I want." She shrugged. "It's also possible we'll fight the whole time."

Deacon shook his head. "Why do you feel like you have to stay?"

"I can't explain it, babe. But I just do." She took his hand and looked into his eyes. "I love you. Don't ever doubt that." She watched him as he seemed to struggle with competing emotions. He reached for her and kissed her.

Then he looked at her and said "I can't do this" – emphasizing 'this' – "forever, Ray. I just can't."

She didn't know how to respond, so she didn't. And that night, for the first time, they just held each other all night.

###

A week later they were back in Nashville. Deacon had been on edge but he hadn't said anything else about Teddy. The last night before the busses headed for home had been bittersweet, quiet. Before he left her, Deacon had held Rayna close and she could feel his reluctance to let her go. Because she felt it too.

When she got home, Maddie raced into her arms and Daphne squealed to be picked up. Next to being held by Deacon, this was the best feeling in Rayna's life. To hold her girls, smell their hair, look in their sweet faces. Teddy was pleasant, giving her time to spend with the girls before she turned her attention to him.

She was afraid he'd sense the change in her. She thought about Deacon's dark look as he contemplated her sleeping with Teddy. She acknowledged it wasn't something she wanted but she wasn't sure how to get around it. Teddy was her husband. She had been gone for seven weeks.

Teddy was on his best behavior the first night. He was attentive and accommodating. He cooked dinner and had her favorite wine. After the girls were in bed and they had settled on the couch he asked all the right questions about the tour. And later that night as she still lay awake, she acknowledged to herself how ironic it was that she felt guilty about sleeping with her husband.

The next day Rayna met Deacon at Watty's for a few hours of recording. They worked mostly on 'Changing Ground' and another song they'd written called 'Along the River'. Rayna could see the hurt in Deacon's eyes and her heart ached. As they walked out of Watty's studio she looked up at him. "How are you?"

He gave her a sad smile and shook his head. "I miss you," he said softly.

"I miss you too, babe. But just a few more days."

Deacon nodded. "Yeah." He put his hand on her arm. "It's hard."

"I know. For me too."

Deacon took a deep breath and put his hand in his pocket. "I'll see you tomorrow, Ray." He turned and walked off, leaving Rayna watching him, struggling to hide her tears.

"Those songs were good." Watty's voice behind her startled her. She turned, unable to speak. "Bucky said you have a few more. And one in the same vein as 'I Need You'."

Rayna nodded, while she regained her composure. "Yeah, we do," she finally said. "We had some good songwriting time this time."

"Can't wait to hear them. See you tomorrow."

Rayna stood for a moment, watching him walk off. Then she sighed and headed for her car.

###

Teddy was glad Rayna was home, even for a few days. He had missed her. He always missed her when she was gone. But every time she was gone, he struggled with the same fears and bitterness. And when she was home, he fought the same demons of suspicion and anger.

When Tandy had set him up with her sister all those years ago, he had felt so out of his element. Rayna was already a Grammy winning, CMA winning country music superstar. He was an accountant, a good one, but certainly not in her stratosphere. He had expected her to be a diva, but she was quiet and reserved. He knew, because Tandy had told him, that she had just ended a long term relationship that had been highly volatile, but because Rayna guarded her privacy fiercely, he wasn't familiar with most of the details. At least not then.

He had felt like they were developing a solid relationship. He had been in love with her almost from the start. She dazzled him. He could not believe his luck to be with a woman like her. When she told him she loved him too, he wanted to shout it from the rooftops.

That was all shattered the day she came to see him, red eyed from crying and looking sick. She had sat him down and told him she was pregnant. Yes, it was confirmed. And then she had crushed him as she reminded him they had always used protection. But that she hadn't with her ex, who sometimes still showed up at her apartment, drunk, and spent the night.

Teddy had been hurt to know about Deacon, even though she told him it had not been her plan. Even after she told him how sorry she was, that she really did love him and was committed to him. And after she told him that she was pretty sure the baby was not his, but Deacon's.

He knew Deacon was in rehab, because she had told him that. She told him it would be impossible for her to raise a child with him, with his history, because this was the fifth time in rehab and he couldn't seem to make it stick. And that she didn't know what she was going to do. She looked so scared and defeated. And he had put his arms around her and told her it was ok, that he would marry her, right away, and that he would claim the baby as his own. And then she had looked so grateful, and even happy, and he was dazzled all over again.

He had thought that she was happy after they got married and when Maddie was born, he was satisfied with their family. But then when Rayna insisted on going back to work and on having Deacon in her band, he privately fumed. He always felt like her second choice. He hardly ever went to her concerts because he couldn't stand watching her on stage with Deacon. Although she assured him it was an act, watching the two of them rub against each other while singing or looking into each other's eyes was torture for him. He couldn't help himself; he couldn't leave it alone. Even though she insisted she loved him, even though she never gave him reason to doubt her, even after Daphne was born, he couldn't ever feel comfortable. And so he fought with her anyway.

When Rayna got home, she was in a quiet mood. These few days not being able to be with Deacon were harder than she had expected. A small part of her wondered if she had done the right thing, for her and for Deacon, by starting the affair. But now that she'd started down that path, she didn't think she could stop. Teddy had been so pleasant the night before, but she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He could never let a tour break go without badgering her.

After dinner and after they had put the girls to bed and were alone, Teddy started down the familiar path. "You know, Rayna, I really wish you'd consider at least cutting back on your touring. All this time away is hard on the girls."

Rayna sighed. "Teddy, we've talked about this before…."

"They're so young. And they need you." It always started this way. The tug on the heartstrings approach.

"Teddy, I'm not going to stop working."

"Because you get to see Deacon every day?"

There it was. "You really have to stop this, Teddy. I'm tired of having this same argument with you every time I go on tour."

"Is it so hard to understand that I would be bothered by you going out on tour with your ex-lover? What husband would put up with that in any other situation?"

"So what is it that you would want me to do?"

"Fire him."

Rayna gaped at him. This was a new approach. "Are you kidding me? I'm not going to fire him."

"Not even for your husband's peace of mind?"

Rayna frowned at him. It was hard to have this conversation with him anyway, but now it was even harder. It made her wonder if he knew something, suspected something, that made him go down this path. "Look, that's just not going to happen. Deacon's my band leader, he's my lead guitar, he's my writing partner. If he wanted to quit, then that's up to him, but I don't see any scenario that ends with me firing him. He's been with me my entire career and he's a very big reason for my success. Why would I do something to mess that up?"

"You've been having an affair with him ever since we were married."

Rayna gasped and felt like the air had been sucked out of her lungs. She felt nauseous. Did he know? "What?"

"An emotional affair, if not a real affair." Teddy glared at her. "I have a good job, Rayna. And I'm on the board at the Music City Credit Union. I can provide for our family without having to deal with the specter of your old relationship every day."

Rayna stood up, shaking from the blindside. "I'm done with this conversation, Teddy. I'm not going to quit working. I'm not going to fire Deacon Claybourne. End of story!" She started to walk out of the room and then turned back. "Don't bring this up again, Teddy. I mean it."

###

The next day at Watty's studio was harder than the day before. Rayna was on edge after the fight with Teddy. Deacon seemed even more unhappy than before. The session was ragged and Watty wasn't satisfied with any of the takes. He hated doing it, because he would now have to wait for their next tour break to record, but he saw nothing to be gained from keeping at it, so he told them to leave.

Deacon walked out without a word, leaving Rayna feeling anxious. She decided to go after him. He was still sitting in his truck when she got to the parking lot. She walked up to the passenger side and put her hand on the window. He turned to look at her. _Please unlock the door_, she mouthed. After a moment, he did, and she got in the truck. Neither of them looked at each other.

"Teddy wants me to fire you."

"Is that what you want to do?"

"You know it's not. And I'm not going to." She turned to him. "I need you."

Deacon sat looking out the window, resting his chin on his hand. He breathed in and out purposefully for a moment. Then he put his key in the ignition and started the truck, backing out. As they drove off, Watty was coming out the door and saw Rayna's red gold hair in the truck with Deacon. He contemplated that as he watched them leave.

###

Deacon drove. Neither of them spoke. He pulled into a park and found a secluded area where he parked the truck. He turned to look at Rayna. She put her hand on his cheek. And then he grabbed her to him and they made love in the front seat of the truck, the first time they had done that in many years. It was raw and explosive and when they were done, he was still cradling her head in his hands so she wouldn't hit the armrest. She pulled him to her and kissed him. And then she smiled. "That was what I needed. Just like that."

He smiled back and then leaned back down to her. "Like a needle needs a vein," he whispered into her hair.

###

Deacon drove back to the parking lot and pulled up next to Rayna's SUV. Before she got out, she reached for his hand. "Just two more days," she said. He nodded and then she got out of the truck, got into her own car and headed home.


	10. Chapter 10

It was a crisp clear first day of November as they departed Nashville for St. Louis to start the second leg of the tour. They would be out for three weeks, home for Thanksgiving, then back out until Christmas. As Deacon boarded the bus, Rayna thought he looked more relaxed. She hoped so. She was looking forward to spending time with him. He came and sat next to her, giving her a quick hug.

"How was Halloween?" he asked.

"The princess and the bumble bee were very happy with their spoils," she said with a grin. "Maddie even went to sleep in her princess costume. Without the tiara, of course."

Deacon laughed. "Did you take them out or stay home and do candy duty?"

"You know me. I was on candy duty. Maddie pouted a little, but they do like to go out with Daddy to trick or treat." She saw the brief cloud cover Deacon's face at the mention of Teddy, so she went on. "What about you? Did you give out treats this year or were you a Halloween pooper sitting in your house with the lights out?" When they were together and actually home on Halloween, Rayna always insisted on giving out candy. Deacon would rather have huddled back in the bedroom with her undisturbed, with all the house lights out. But Halloween was one of Rayna's favorite occasions and she loved seeing the little children all dressed up and excited.

Deacon smiled sheepishly. "I did hand out candy." Rayna laughed and clapped her hands. "But not for long. I didn't buy much."

"But you did it. Yay! Oh! I have something for you." She pulled up her purse and pulled out a picture of Maddie and Daphne in their costumes to give him. It looked like she had cut it down so that it was just the two little girls. Maddie had a huge smile on her face, along with her glittering tiara, sparkly dress and her tiny scepter. Daphne was wearing a bumble bee hoodie and had so much drawing on her face he could hardly tell it was her. Rayna shrugged. "Just thought you might like to keep it in your wallet."

Deacon looked at the picture and smiled. "Thanks, Ray. Boy, aren't they cute." He pulled out his wallet and put the picture in one of the side sleeves. It was next to the picture he still carried with him of the two of them in Mexico, the trip they had taken when they wrote 'Postcard from Mexico'. He didn't think she knew he still carried a picture of them together. He didn't look at it often, because it brought back such bittersweet memories of better times. But now they were having better times again. Maybe they could get a picture to replace that one.

Rayna didn't know if Deacon found it odd she gave him the picture. She had taken it the night before when Teddy was getting ready to take the girls out trick or treating. After she'd printed off the picture, she had carefully cut Teddy out.

When she looked at Maddie, she always wondered why Deacon didn't see how much she looked like him. But if he noticed, he never said a word. He was good with the girls, talking to them as if they were people, not children. And Maddie adored him, which always made her heart catch.

He had never asked if Maddie was his. Of course, he had been at his absolute worst during that time, blacking out routinely, never remembering where he'd been or what he'd been doing. He seemed to accept that Teddy was Maddie's father.

It was better that way, Rayna always told herself. Except that this time he'd stayed sober, he'd turned his life around, he had found the commitment he'd never seemed to have before. And that sometimes made her wonder if she had not really had enough faith in him. When he had come home from rehab the last time, he'd been disappointed that she hadn't waited for him, that she had gotten married, that she was starting a family. He had accused her of giving in to Lamar and living the country club life. That had hurt. But they had repaired things by the time that Rayna was ready to get back to work and he was willing to be in her band again. Now, though, she was questioning everything.

###

This part of the tour was choppy, since both Thanksgiving and Christmas would create longer breaks. Normally, Rayna liked having the opportunities to get home and see her girls, and she still looked forward to those times, but having time with Deacon was primary on her mind these days. It became apparent early on, though, that he was struggling more with the secrecy this time. Ironically, they had always guarded their privacy fiercely and kept their personal life very private when they had been together, but to Deacon, this felt different. He felt put in a corner and he didn't much like it.

When they were in Denver, things seemed to come to a boiling point. Deacon had been in a dark mood since they had arrived. During sound check, he had practically glared at Rayna more than once and that unsettled her. When it was show time, he was his usual professional self, but when Rayna would get close to him on the stage, although he did the right things, his eyes seemed distant. She was not looking forward to later that night, as she was sure things were ready to explode.

Deacon was tense when he got to her room that night and Rayna sensed it immediately. She tried to soothe him by pulling him down on the couch and cozying up to him, kissing him lightly. "You know," she whispered in his ear, "I really love having you both in my professional and my private lives."

At that, Deacon scowled and got up, moving over to the window. "How much longer do we have to be this private, Rayna?" he snarled. "How much longer do I have to be your secret boyfriend?"

Rayna got up and walked over towards him, but did not get close enough to touch him. "Deacon, I have told you before that it's complicated. There's the girls, for one thing."

Deacon looked at her. "I get that, Ray, but I don't think that's all of it. People get divorced all the time and make it work. What is it that ties you to Teddy?"

Rayna frowned. "I'm not tied to Teddy."

"You must be. And I don't get it. The you you are with Teddy isn't the real you. It's that country club person you never wanted to be."

"I am _not_ that person. You know that. I can't believe you just said that to me." Rayna's eyes were flashing. She hated being compared to the country club scene. She had never felt comfortable in that life.

"I know the real you, Ray. The real Rayna Jaymes that doesn't drive SUV's and go on play dates and lunches at the club."

"I can't go back to that person, Deacon. I have children now. That's not going to change."

"I get it, Ray. But I don't know where that leaves me. Seems to me that what you want is to have that life, because it looks good and feels good, and then you want your dirty past on the side in the shadows while you're away from that life."

Rayna gasped. "How dare you! I do not think of that as my 'dirty past'. I loved you then. I made no apologies for that."

Deacon raised his eyebrows. "So it's 'then'? What is it now?"

Rayna stomped her foot and glowered at him. "Stop twisting my words. I loved you then, I love you now. I have always loved you. But I can't go back to those days. It's not possible."

He walked over to her and grabbed her arms. "Then where do I fit, Ray? Are you planning to keep everything like it is forever?"

Rayna pulled away from him. "I don't know, Deacon. I…there are a lot of things that I have to consider."

"Like what?"

Rayna shook her head. "I just can't talk about it, babe. There are just some things that are private in a marriage. It's not that simple."

Deacon took a step back. "Well, I can make it simple for you." His face was dark. Rayna was exasperated. She knew she was at the edge and she knew he didn't understand. He turned and walked out of the room, letting the door slam behind him. She felt both miserable and furious, at him and at herself.

She stomped over to the couch and sat down. She pulled off her boots and threw them on the floor. She stood up and walked towards the bathroom, undressing as she went, throwing her clothes down along the way. She started a shower, got in, and tried to relax. As the water sluiced over her, she felt some of the tension start to ease. As she stood with her eyes closed, letting the water rush over her, she knew he was there. She had always been able to sense him near her, even if she couldn't see him, and she knew he was standing there now, watching her.

She opened her eyes and turned her head and there he was. She suspected that when he came back in the room, he had seen her trail of clothes and had added his to it as he traced her path. And then he opened the shower door and stepped in, pressing her against the wall and running his hand across her breasts and down her stomach.

Afterwards he wrapped her first in a towel and then in his arms and looked deep in her eyes. "You can tell me everything or you can tell me nothing at all. It doesn't matter. The only thing that does is you and me." And he leaned in to kiss her, long and deep, as tears ran down her face.

###

Two days later they headed home for Thanksgiving. Rayna was on edge. She hated Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving dinner was always a stiff, unpleasant affair. She thought she had probably picked that up from her mother, who never enjoyed the pomp and circumstance that Lamar demanded at the holiday. Rayna remembered how her mother would leave the table as soon as she could and go sit outside in the garden. As a child, Rayna hadn't understood why her mother seemed so distant and unhappy, but since Tandy had told her about the affair, she imagined her mother was wishing she could have been with her lover.

When she and Deacon were together, they would come late for Thanksgiving dinner and leave early. Lamar never liked Deacon anyway and made sure he knew it. Then there were the times when Deacon was too drunk to even make it and Lamar would make Rayna's day miserable because of it. Since she had been married to Teddy, they had had to put in an appearance every year. The girls were always fussy and Rayna always remembered those other times when Lamar had made her feel like trash and she resented the command performances even more.

On Thanksgiving morning, she was putting on her makeup while Teddy was getting the girls ready. She thought about Deacon. She hadn't seen him or talked to him since they had gotten back to Nashville and she was feeling at loose ends over it. She didn't know what he did these days for Thanksgiving and hadn't wanted to ask. She remembered how that had always been a time for them to be alone together, after the brief appearance at Lamar's. It was always a quiet time for them, a recharging period, a reconnecting time. She missed that.

Teddy had walked in then and caught her introspective look. He frowned. "Are you thinking about him?"

Rayna cut her eyes over to look at his reflection in the mirror. She didn't say a word. She was tired of this. She was tired of feeling pushed on both sides. The storm that had been brewing since Ann Arbor was bearing down on her and she wasn't sure where her safe place was or how exactly to get there. She got up and pushed past her husband to get dressed.

They drove to Lamar's in stony silence, the girls chattering in the back seat, oblivious to their parents' antagonism. Lamar was his usual ebullient self, making a big fuss over the girls and chatting up Teddy. Tandy pulled Rayna aside.

"Ok, you don't look so good today," she said. "What's up?"

Rayna rolled her eyes. "The usual. It's Thanksgiving at Daddy's, he's making a big deal out of it, Teddy's sucking up to it, and all I want to do is eat and leave."

Tandy slipped her arm through her sister's as they walked towards the den. "Something else is going on. I can see it in your eyes. Is everything ok on the tour?"

Rayna looked at her. "Everything's fine. Why wouldn't it be?"

Tandy stopped. "Well, that conversation you and I had about Deacon before you left, for one. How has that been, being that close?"

Rayna looked away. "It's been fine, Tandy. Deacon is a professional. I'm a professional. We're fine."

Tandy looked hard at her sister. "Rayna? Is there more going on than that?"

Rayna looked back at her sister, her eyes flashing. "Stop it! I have to hear this at home from Teddy, I am _not_ going to hear it from you." She pulled away from Tandy and walked into the den, heading for her girls. Tandy watched her walk away, a frisson of fear running down her spine. Something wasn't right.

Tandy never got another chance to talk to Rayna. Rayna seemed almost skittish, moving from one place to another, either standing with Teddy or sitting with her girls. She successfully got Teddy to leave before dessert, claiming a headache. He was not happy about that, but she couldn't stand being there a moment longer and she was afraid that Tandy would corner her again and be able to read the truth into her discomfort.

###

The day after Thanksgiving was overcast and cool. Rayna needed to get out of the house, so she bundled up the girls and took them to the park. As she watched them play, she found herself thinking about the future, thinking about what was next for her and for Deacon. She knew she was coming to the end of the road and would have to make a decision. She acknowledged to herself that she was afraid, that she very probably had made a very bad decision eight years ago, one that she might not be able to overcome.

As she thought about her situation, she found herself wanting to somehow let Deacon know how she felt. She reached into her purse and pulled out the notebook she always carried with her to write down song snippets. She started writing and, with only minor changes, she wrote out an entire song without stopping. She knew she had to give it to Deacon before they left on Sunday. As she thought through her plan, she finally began to feel some peace.

###

Saturday afternoon, Rayna drove over to Deacon's house in East Nashville. She didn't know if he would even be home, but she saw his truck out front, so she parked along the street. She sat in her SUV for a few minutes thinking about what she wanted to do and then finally she got out and walked up the steps to his door. When he opened it, he was surprised to see her standing there. "Hey, Ray, what's up?" he asked.

"I was hoping you'd be here. I wanted to talk to you for a minute. Alone." He still stood just looking at her, as though he thought she was an apparition. She smiled. "Can I come in?"

He shook his head as though he were clearing out cobwebs and smiled back. "Sure." He reached for her hand and pulled her through the door. When he closed the door behind her, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her. She put her arms around his waist, dropping her purse as she did. He pulled back and asked, "How long can you stay?"

She smiled shyly. "A little while."

He took her hand again and led her back to the bedroom. Rayna was a little surprised at his tenderness as he made love to her. Usually they were ravenous for each other, but this felt comfortable. And today, it felt right. He pulled her close to him and said, "This was a surprise."

"I really wanted to see you today. You know how Thanksgiving is…"

He laughed softly. "Another command performance at the Wyatt mansion?"

Rayna nodded. "Yeah. You'd be proud of me, though. I faked a headache before dessert so I didn't have to stay. I haven't done that since…well, since the last time you and I were there."

Deacon kissed her lightly. "Can't say I miss that experience." He cleared his throat. "So you didn't come to tell me that you skipped out on Lamar's dessert."

"No, I didn't." She ran her finger down his cheek. "I know things have been difficult between us lately. I know you want more from me and that I've been…reluctant." She searched his face for a reaction, but he didn't give her one. "I just need a little more time. I was at the park yesterday with the girls and I wrote something for you. A song. I wanted to make sure that you had it today, before we leave tomorrow, so that you would know just exactly how I felt." She felt her eyes burn with unshed tears and she struggled not to give in. "I love you, Deacon. I have always loved you, from the minute I met you. I will always love you, that's not going to change. No matter what happens next. No matter where our path takes us. You are a part of me that I will always carry with me, whether you're with me or not. So I wrote the song for you. And I'd like for you to put it to music."

Deacon swallowed. Rayna was his heart and he didn't want to lose her. He wasn't sure what to expect from this song, but he believed her that they were part of each other. He pulled her close and this time their lovemaking was raw and fierce, the way it normally was. And after they had held each other close afterwards, communicating without words, Rayna disentangled herself and got out of bed, getting dressed. Deacon pulled on his jeans and followed her out to the living room.

Rayna reached for her purse and pulled out the pages, laying them on the coffee table. "I'll see you tomorrow," she said, reaching for him and holding him close. Then she pulled away and walked out the door. Deacon stood watching her until she got in her car and drove away. Then he closed the door and went over to the table. He picked up the pages she'd left and started to read.


	11. Chapter 11

**The song in this chapter is, surprisingly, a song that Justin Timberlake wrote for Reba McEntire's Duets album. It's called "The Only Promise That Remains". The first time I ever heard it was when they debuted it on The Oprah Show and it brought me to tears then. I thought it was perfect for this point in Rayna and Deacon's relationship.**

**I'm a little dissatisfied with the way things transition after the song, but I couldn't figure out a solution. Hopefully with the way it goes after that, you'll forgive the choppiness. Thanks for your reviews and encouragement!**

Rayna and Bucky were running late for the bus to head to Charlotte. Maddie had decided to throw a tantrum over Rayna leaving again and Teddy didn't help by not having her back. Rayna had finally peeled Maddie off her legs and left her wailing in Teddy's arms as she followed Bucky out the door. She herself cried all the way to Sound Check. Usually Maddie wasn't this difficult, but maybe it was the holidays. They had decorated the Christmas tree and that caused Maddie to think her mom wasn't going to be home for Santa. The only positive out of it was that Daphne was napping and didn't get caught up in her sister's distress.

Before she got out of Bucky's car, he handed her Kleenex to wipe off her face. "You know that as we sit here right now, she's in the middle of something and is not as upset as you are," he said.

Rayna smiled shakily. "I know. Thanks, Buck." She swiped at her eyes again. "How bad do I look?"

Bucky winked at her. "Like a mama who just left her cubs." He squeezed her arm. "It'll be ok."

"I don't want Deacon to see me looking like a wreck. It'll just get him worried."

"Just go back to the restroom and freshen up when you get on." Rayna nodded.

As she got on the bus, Deacon looked up and, when he saw her face, he frowned with concern. She waved him off and walked past him to the bathroom and did exactly as Bucky suggested. When she was satisfied she had repaired her face, she came back out. Smiling, she sat down next to him. He reached for her hand and squeezed it quickly. "You ok?" he asked.

She nodded. "Yeah. Just a bad day for little girls." She took a deep breath. "I'll be fine."

He looked at her with concern still on his face. Then he leaned towards her and whispered in her ear, "I did the music." He paused. "Thanks."

Rayna smiled at him, still a little emotional from the battle with Maddie as well as the emotions from the song she'd given to Deacon. "I'm looking forward to hearing what you did with it."

###

That night when they got to her room, Deacon sang the song to her, even though she would be doing the vocals. She caught her breath at how well he had captured her intent through the music. It was haunting and heartfelt, exactly right.

"When the ground beneath you starts shaking, shaking

And you forget the place we came from, came from

When you're lost and looking for a way home

Your way home to me, I'll come out and find you

When the world around you starts moving, moving

And you should wonder if I still love you, love you

If you feel a darkness coming, rising inside

I'll make a light to guide you back home

And after all the sky has fallen down

And after all the water is washed away

My love's the only promise that remains

When your doubts have got you thinking, thinking

And nothing's ever really sacred, sacred

And you're afraid you might believe it

Believe in me and I'll give you a reason

'Cause the world around us keeps on moving, moving

And there's no doubt that I still love you, love you

So when you feel the darkness coming, rising inside

I'll make a light to guide you back home

And after all the sky has fallen down

And after all the water is washed away

My love's the only promise that remains

My love's the only promise that remains

My love's the only promise that remains

And after all the sky has fallen down

And after all the water is washed away

My love's the only promise that remains, remains"

When he was done, Deacon put his guitar down and came and took her in his arms. "I love you, Ray."

She kissed him. "I love you. Please always know that." She hoped that the rest of the leg would be calm, that this would give Deacon something to hold on to. But it wasn't to be.

###

This time it was Rayna's turn to be difficult. Maddie's behavior when she had left troubled her. And every time she called home, Maddie was whining or crying or belligerent. Teddy seemed disinclined to try to help and would use it as a way to dig at Rayna for her insistence on continuing to work and tour the way she had. And Rayna would get angry and then she would feel guilty and she would take it out on Deacon.

When they were in Atlanta, three days before the Christmas break, things exploded. The night had started well and Rayna had practically dragged him to bed as soon as he walked in the room. Their lovemaking was fierce that night as she seemed to be trying to exorcise all of her frustrations and guilt. As he wrapped her in his arms, he said, "Do you think I'll get to see you while we're on break?"

Rayna sighed and frowned. "I don't know," she finally said.

"It's two weeks, Ray. That's a long time."

She pulled away from him and sat up. "I know it's a long time, Deacon. But then it's Christmas. There's a lot going on. I have children that need my attention."

Deacon knew he was being petulant, but he couldn't help it. "I need you too, Ray."

Rayna looked at him in anger and swore. "I'm at the end of my rope here, Deacon. I can't live with everyone pulling at me like this. I have put you ahead of pretty much everything else in my life since we've been on this tour and you have _got_ to give me this time with my girls without making me feel guilty." She didn't want to be this angry with him, but she needed space.

Deacon just looked at her for a few minutes, working his lip, trying to decide how to respond. He knew he was pushing her, but he was at a loss for why she seemed so tethered to Teddy. And he was done waiting. He got up and started getting dressed. Then he turned to her. "Take all the time you need, Rayna. This is the end of the line for me. When we come back after the break, I need you to decide where we're going from here. But it needs to come from you." He looked at her darkly. "Are we done here?"

Rayna could feel the tears, she could feel the lump in her throat. This was not how she wanted this to be, but she had to have some time and space to figure out the next move. She looked up at him and nodded. "Yeah, we're done." After he left, she broke down. She didn't know how to tell him the truth about Maddie and she knew that the longer it went on, the worse the fall out would be. She was afraid that if she told him, she would lose him, and she was afraid if she didn't tell him and he continued to believe she was hiding something from him, she would lose him anyway. Despite him telling her that it didn't matter if or what she told him, it was clear that it did matter. He needed something from her and she realized the time had come to come to terms with that. One way or another.

###

The last two nights were excruciatingly painful for both of them. Being on stage together and having to sing with each other nearly drove Rayna over the edge. Deacon was sulky and it showed and it pissed her off. She changed up the playlist at the last minute, which made Bucky mad. Rayna and Deacon wouldn't talk to each other, but as mad as they were, it was also obvious that they were both hurting. But neither one would back down.

When they got back to Nashville, Deacon flew out of the parking lot. Bucky watched him and then turned back to Rayna. "Well, it looks like our tour just got screwed," he said.

Rayna shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know."

Bucky frowned. "Rayna, you've got to figure out whatever it is that's bugging you and fix it. You know that Deacon's a loose cannon and we can't have him flaming out right now."

She glared at him. "Why do you assume it's me?"

Bucky gave her a rueful smile. "You're the one that's married, Rayna, not him. You're the one that has ties, not him. He may be making things tough for you, but he's wide open and you're shutting him down." He put his arm around her and gave her a quick hug. "I'm not trying to get in your business, but you do need to figure out how to fix this."

Rayna looked at him sadly and sighed. "You're right, Buck. I do. And I will. I'm going to figure out what I do next while we're off."

Bucky smiled at her. "Good. So let's get you home to your girls for Christmas."

Rayna hugged him. "You're a good friend, Bucky. Thank you." They walked arm in arm to Bucky's car.

###

Deacon was still angry as he drove home. He had a strong urge to stop at a bar, but he reminded himself that if he fell off the wagon, he could kiss any hope of working things out with Rayna goodbye. He wasn't sure what he expected her to do, but he had meant what he said about her figuring things out during the break. He stopped to pick up something to eat and as he was waiting for his food, he pulled the picture of the two of them out of his wallet. It had been twelve years since that picture was taken. He could tell that he was a little drunk, but then so was Rayna. He'd already been to rehab twice, but she hadn't gotten to the point then where she was frustrated with him. That would happen after he failed at try number three. That was when she started to walk away when things got bad, when she wasn't as forgiving, didn't try as hard to be understanding. He sat back and felt tears spring up as he thought about how much he didn't want to disappoint her again.

As he was putting the picture back, he saw the picture of her girls and pulled that out. He smiled as he looked at them. So cute. He could understand why she found it hard to uproot them and upend their lives. As he was staring at the picture, something struck him about Maddie. He focused on her and tried to figure out what it was that was nagging at the edges of his brain. All of a sudden, he felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. He felt sick to his stomach and his head started to hurt. He got up and left without getting his food, driving home in a state of disbelief.

When he got in the house, he stood in his living room, his hand running through his hair, still not believing what he'd seen. He yelled in frustration and then proceeded to trash his living room. When he was done and spent, he sagged down onto the floor and pulled out his phone. He found the number and hit Call. When she answered, he said "I need to see you. I need to talk. Can I come tomorrow?" At the answer, he nodded. "I'll see you then." And he turned off the phone.


	12. Chapter 12

The next morning Deacon got up and packed a duffle, throwing it in the seat of his truck. He didn't think Beth would mind if he stayed a bit. She was always bugging him to come visit, it wasn't that far to Tupelo, and they would love to see him. Considering he kept thinking about taking a drink, or more than one, he thought it would be good to be with someone right then.

Deacon needed to talk to someone about what was going on with Rayna and his sister was the only one he trusted. It had gotten increasingly harder as the weeks went by with Rayna's reluctance to end her marriage and they had been fighting about it more and more often. As he had wracked his brain trying to understand why she was avoiding it, the picture of her girls in his wallet had him wondering if he had stumbled onto something. He knew he could talk to Beth about it.

When he pulled into her driveway, she came out of the house and waved. "Hey, Deacon!" she looked back towards the door. "Scarlett, your Uncle Deacon's here!"

Deacon ran up the steps and grabbed his sister in a bear hug. "Hey, Beth, it's good to see you." When Scarlett appeared, he gave her an appreciative look. She was turning into a stunner. "Darlin', you get prettier every time I see you."

Scarlett blushed and giggled, then hugged him. "Mama, I'm going to meet the girls." She looked pointedly at Deacon. "I'll see _you_ when I get back."

"Ok," he said with a smile, then draped his arm around his sister's shoulders as they walked in the house. He sat down at her kitchen table while she fixed him a glass of tea. Then she sat down.

"I'm so glad you're here. I've missed you."

Deacon smiled at her. "Me too. I hope you don't mind if I stay for a bit. I need to get out of Nashville for a while."

"You know you can stay as long as you like. Stay through Christmas. Scarlett and I would love to have you here." She frowned slightly. "So, you want to talk?"

Deacon nodded. "Yeah, about Rayna."

Beth raised her eyebrows and looked into her brother's sad eyes. "Rayna? Something going on with the tour?"

Deacon took a deep breath. "We've been seeing each other again. Since just before the tour started."

Beth sat back and considered that, then frowned. "I thought she was married."

Deacon looked down. "She is."

Beth took a breath. "Wow. So how did this, uh, develop?"

"She came to hear me play at The Bluebird one night and I played a song I had written for her. For us. To sing together." He rubbed his face with his hands. "That rattled her enough, but then Watty was there and convinced us to record it…."

"You mean, convinced her."

Deacon smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, convinced her. Anyway, it seemed like it just brought up all the old feelings, for both of us, but especially for her. Then she showed up one night at my house and…well, we've been together ever since."

Beth looked away for a moment, then looked back. "I know how you felt about her, I guess still do. But, Deacon, she's married, she has two little girls. Is she leaving her husband?"

Deacon shook his head. "She says she can't."

"I don't understand. If she's going to all this trouble to have a relationship with you, why not just go all in? It's not like divorce is a big scandal anymore."

Deacon looked at her bleakly. "I don't think that's it. Under normal circumstances, I would agree with you. I think it's something else."

"Have you asked her?"

"I have. She always says she can't talk about it."

Beth looked perplexed. "So do you have an idea of what it could be?"

Deacon nodded. He hesitated, struggled with the words. "I think Maddie might be mine and she's afraid to tell me."

Beth's eyes widened and she gasped. "Are you kidding me?"

Deacon shook his head. "I'm not sure why she would have done this and how Teddy is mixed up in it, but I think that's what it is."

"But, Deacon, how could this have happened without you knowing?"

"Truthfully, Beth, I was so wrecked that last time before rehab that I wouldn't remember if Rayna and I were together then or not. The timing kind of makes sense if we were. But it's really more than that."

Beth was still stunned by what Deacon had told her and when he pulled out the picture of Rayna's girls, she nearly passed out. "Deacon…." she said faintly.

Deacon pointed at Maddie. "Except for the dark hair, she looks just like Scarlett at that age."

Beth swallowed. He was right, she did. But even more than that, and she was surprised Deacon didn't recognize it, Maddie was so obviously Deacon's child it took her breath away. "You're right, Deacon, she does." She put a hand on her brother's arm and decided not to point out the obvious. "So what are you going to do?"

Deacon shook his head. "I don't know. It pisses me off to think she would keep this a secret from me. That she would have lied to me all these years."

Beth's spidey sense was on high alert. "Before you do anything crazy, Deacon, let's think about this."

Deacon glared at her. "You're not going to say it's ok, are you?"

Beth shook her head. "No, of course not. But I don't want you to go off the deep end." She gripped his arm. "You've worked hard to stay sober. Don't let this undo all of that." Deacon looked at her with pain in his eyes. "Deacon, you're my brother and I love you. If this is true, then I'm mad at Rayna for you. But if you're planning to confront her about this, you have to listen to her and give her a chance to explain."

"How could she explain this?"

"Well, hon, think about it. You were a pretty unrepentant and self-destructive drunk for a lot of years. You'd go to rehab, and let her pay, only to piss it all away in no time flat. Maybe she decided she couldn't do that to her baby. Luckily, I was never faced with anything like that, but I would do anything to protect Scarlett from hurt."

"But I got sober this time, Beth."

"I know. But neither one of us knows the whole story. I don't know why she chose to go this way, but I think you need to listen and not react by blowing everything you've worked for." Beth took his hand. "So, if this is true, how do you feel about it? What do you want to do with this information?"

Deacon sighed. "Honestly, I don't know. Mostly I'm just mad because she lied to me. I haven't really thought beyond that."

"Is it just because she didn't tell you? Do you want to be a dad, Deacon?"

Deacon shook his head. "I don't know, Beth. I mean, I love Maddie. And Daphne. They're great kids. But I don't know if I'm ready for that." He looked at his sister. "I trusted her. I've always trusted her. And now I can't. I don't really know what to do."

Beth took Deacon's hand. "Do you still love her anyway?"

Deacon looked haunted but he nodded his head. "Yeah," he said quietly.

"Then listen to her. Then forgive her. As well as I know Rayna, I'm willing to bet this wasn't the choice she came up with. She loves you too, Deacon. It also wouldn't surprise me if her daddy didn't have a hand in this, so consider that. Think about what you want too. This will change your life, so be sure that's what you want." She reached out and grabbed Deacon's chin, pulling him around to face her. "And don't go out and get drunk."

Deacon knew this would be the biggest test of his sobriety. He also knew that he had to confront Rayna with his suspicions. He decided to do exactly that when they met in San Diego. In the meantime, he was glad to have his sister to lean on and talk to. She ended up being his port in the storm during the break and helped him work through the pain and the demons to get to a point where he could navigate safely.


	13. Chapter 13

Rayna was glad to be home, if only to see her girls. Maddie chattered away happily about all the plans for Christmas. She was excited for Santa and talked about what she was hoping to get. Teddy was pleasant, but she still had a bad taste in her mouth about how he had acted while she was gone. He sensed a distance about her and, after the girls had gone to bed that first night, he commented on it.

"So is this how it's going to be? You not wanting to talk to me and hardly looking at me?"

Rayna put her hand up. "Teddy, it's Christmas. I really don't want to do this now. I want things to be good for the girls. I am tired of this behavior on your part, but I'm not doing this right now. We need to be nice to each other, if not for ourselves, at least for the girls."

Teddy frowned. "Are you trying to tell me something, Rayna?"

Rayna shrugged. "I'm trying to tell you that I'm tired and I don't want to fight." She looked at him. "I'm here for two and a half weeks. I need for us to try to get along."

Teddy looked down. "Fair enough." He came over and put his arms around her. She hesitated only briefly before reciprocating. "It is the holidays. Let's enjoy them and the girls."

Rayna pulled away and smiled tiredly. "Thanks, Teddy. Now, I'm really beat, so I'm going to bed." She walked off to the bedroom, fighting tears. She knew the time had come to make some decisions about the future. Deacon had been pushing her and, while she didn't like being pushed, she knew it wasn't fair to anyone to let things continue as they were. Bucky knew about the affair, she was afraid that members of her band and crew suspected, and Tandy had been nosing around. She didn't want Teddy to find out. She wanted to be in control of what was next.

The next day, she woke up feeling more rested, but still unsettled. The time had come for her to put her cards on the table, but she was still unsure of the right next steps and she was scared. She needed some guidance and she didn't feel like she had a lot of people she could go to. She had scheduled lunch with Watty to go over the upcoming album and to let him know how the tour was going. He had been her mentor and confidant since he had discovered her at The Bluebird. He had become a father figure to her, replacing the distant Lamar. She respected him and knew he'd give her good guidance and wisdom.

"We need about four more tracks on the album, maybe more," he said. "What we have is good stuff, but we need to be sure we get time on the books."

Rayna played with her napkin. "I know."

"Bucky said you and Deacon had a couple things going. Are you planning to do any more writing?" Watty was happy with what they had written so far and what they had recorded during the last break.

"I don't know. Things are kind of tenuous right now."

Watty looked at Rayna closely. "I thought things had improved between you and Deacon. At least from what I saw the last time."

Rayna looked up at him. "What do you mean?"

He smiled knowingly at her. "I saw you leaving with Deacon that last time you were in the studio."

Rayna's eyes grew large. "You did?"

"Don't worry." He patted her hand. "It didn't really surprise me."

Rayna sighed. "Actually, that's part of what I wanted to talk to you about." She picked up her fork and played with the salad left on her plate. "We _have_ been seeing each other. Since not long after we recorded the song." She looked up at Watty.

Watty nodded thoughtfully. "So I was right." He was silent for a moment. "Where do things stand?"

Rayna looked down. Tears started to well up in her eyes and she wiped them away. "I'm in kind of a bad place, Watty." She looked up at him and he took her hand. "Things were going really well, but I guess I should have realized that Deacon wouldn't be satisfied with that. And I'm really not either. I need to be with him. I know that now. I should have waited for him that last time, but he had disappointed me so many times before, that I couldn't trust that the fifth time would be different."

"What's holding you back, Rayna?"

Rayna wiped her face again. "I've kept something from Deacon for a long time. It keeps me tied to Teddy and it could end everything with Deacon if I tell him." She looked at Watty. "I don't know what to do. I'm scared."

Watty sat back and thought for a minute. "I'm not going to ask you to tell me what it is," he said finally. "I think I can guess." That brought more tears to Rayna's eyes and she looked away. "You're so much like your mama," Watty said softly. Rayna looked at him curiously. "Your mother was an incredible woman, Rayna. She was young and impulsive, beautiful, but trying to hold on to her was like trying to hold on to a butterfly." Rayna's eyes grew wide as she realized what Watty was saying. He looked at her with a small smile and nodded. "Your mother and I were together."

Rayna covered her mouth with her hand and gasped. Then she closed her eyes for a moment. "Tandy told me that she'd had an affair, but I had no idea it was with you." She took a breath. "Is that why you helped me?"

Watty shook his head. "Oh, no, you had talent. But you're so like her. Your father loved her, but she was so unhappy in that environment. It just wasn't her. I think it's like that for you too. You're trapped in a life that isn't where you thought you'd be and I know you've tried. But it's not you." He took Rayna's hand. "The night she crashed that car, her bags were packed. Rayna, she was desperate to break free. Kind of like you are." He looked at her as she struggled to process what he'd told her. "Rayna, I'm not saying that the same thing would happen to you that happened to her, but I am telling you that you need to break free. And you need to tell Deacon what you need to tell him. Maybe he'll surprise you, maybe he won't, but you won't know unless you do."

Rayna considered his words. "Of course, it's not that simple. I have a marriage to consider. And my girls. Whatever I do impacts them."

Watty gave her an understanding smile. "Rayna, I know how hard leaving is. But it doesn't make staying right."

Rayna looked down. "But it does feel like I sort of have a lifetime investment. That I'm getting ready to blow up." She rested her head in her hand and looked away. "It's all so complicated."

"I know your mother went through all of the same dilemmas. She loved you and your sister. It broke her heart to think of leaving you behind. But she felt like she had to be true to herself. I know it's not your intent to leave your girls, but you're making some of the same decisions she did. For many of the same reasons."

Rayna looked at Watty sadly. "I never felt like I knew her, but now I feel like I know so much more. I feel like I understand her so much better." She smiled. "Thank you for telling me. And thank you for the advice. I know you're right."

When she left the restaurant, she went to the cemetery where her mother was buried. She didn't come here often. But she felt like now that she understood how much they were alike, she needed to spend some time there. She parked her car and walked over to the gravesite. There was a bench facing the gravestone and she sat down. After a few minutes, she spoke out loud. "Mom, I wish you were here. I wish I could tell you that I understand why you always seemed so sad, so distant. I thought you were unhappy with me, but now I realize it was because you were unhappy with your life." She felt the tears start down her face, but didn't wipe them away. "I am married to a man that I'm not happy with and I want to be with the man that I love more than life itself. Deacon is the one that fills up my heart and makes me want to live every day. But I've done the worst thing I could do to him. I've lied to him about our daughter. I don't know if he'll ever forgive me for not telling him. I think I'm going to lose him no matter what I do and I'm not sure I can live with that." She reached in her purse for a tissue and wiped her face. "But I'm going to tell him anyway. I think you'd want me to." She sat there trying to regain some control. Then she heard her phone ring. When she pulled it out, it was Tandy.

She answered the phone and Tandy said, "Where are you?"

"I'm at the cemetery."

"Really? I didn't think you liked going there."

Rayna shrugged. "I just felt like I needed to today."

"Well, I'm calling because we need to do our pre-Christmas shopping and lunch date."

Rayna made a face. "Oh, Tandy, I just want to relax with my girls."

"Oh, no, you're not going to bail on me. We're going. Tomorrow. I've already made us lunch reservations at Nordstrom. I'm picking you up at 9:30."

"Tandy…."

"Not another word. I'll see you in the morning." And she disconnected before Rayna could say anything.

###

Tandy was right on time, as she always was. Rayna was not ready, as she always was. Tandy sat with Maddie and Daphne while Rayna finished getting dressed. When Rayna came out to the den, Maddie smiled. "You look so beautiful, Mom!" she cried.

Rayna laughed at her daughter. "Aw, Maddie, you are a good daughter. Isn't she a good daughter, Aunt Tandy?" She looked at her sister.

"She's the best," Tandy said with a smile and hugged her niece. Then she stood up. "So, are you ready?"

Rayna shrugged. "Yeah, I guess." She turned to her daughters. "Girls, be good for Denise and I'll see you this afternoon. There might be presents when I come home." She grinned broadly and the girls clapped gleefully.

"Yes, presents!" they both cried and ran to hug their mom before she left.

The shopping trip had been a tradition for Rayna and Tandy since they were teenagers. There had been many years when Rayna had just gone to spend time with Tandy, because she didn't have money to spend. But it had always been a fun time for them ending with lunch and girl talk. When they were seated at their table at the Nordstrom restaurant, Tandy was in the mood for talking. Rayna had kept things light up to that point and dodged most of Tandy's questions as she swooped in on something for the girls, but now Tandy had her cornered.

"So," Tandy said. "How is the tour?"

"It's good. I've been happy with how it's gone." She shrugged. "But I've missed the girls. That's always the hardest part."

"And Teddy…."

"Yeah, and Teddy." Rayna looked down as she said that.

Tandy frowned. "So what's going on, Rayna?"

Rayna gave her a surprised look. "I don't know what you're talking about, Tandy. Why would you think there's something going on?"

Tandy rolled her eyes. "For crying out loud, Rayna, you act like you don't miss your husband. I saw how the two of you hardly spoke to each other or even acknowledged each other at Daddy's on Thanksgiving."

Rayna made a face. "It's always hard getting back into a rhythm." Their food arrived and Rayna picked at her salad.

"Is it because of Deacon?"

Rayna glared at her sister. "Why would you ask that?"

Tandy looked at Rayna oddly. "Seriously? Do you remember coming to my house and telling me that he had kissed you and that you thought you still loved him? I know you told me that you weren't going to act on it, but I have to wonder. You've been so distant. Even Teddy notices that you're different."

Rayna dropped her fork. "You've been talking to Teddy?"

Tandy waved her hand. "No, not talking so much as listening. He misses you and he's feeling very disconnected from you."

"We're not having this conversation, Tandy."

"_Is_ something going on between you and Deacon, Rayna?"

"I'm not talking to you about Deacon." Rayna glared at her sister and threw her napkin down on her plate. "In fact, I'm done talking period." She got up from her chair and grabbed her bags. "I'm getting a cab. I'm done." She walked out, leaving Tandy staring after her, a very bad feeling deep in her core.

###

The rest of the break, Rayna concentrated her time on her girls. She was actually glad to pick up a cold on Christmas Eve and begged off as much of the family time as she could manage. She found herself wishing that they didn't have so much time off, because she was finding it hard to keep her emotions in check. She wouldn't talk to Tandy and she kept Teddy as much at arms' length as she could get away with. She spent time in the studio after Christmas with Watty looking at other songs to possibly use on the album.

Finally, the day before they were to leave for San Diego for the West Coast leg of the tour, Rayna drove herself to the place along the river where she and Deacon liked to sit and talk. They hadn't been there in a while, but Rayna still found it comforting. It was a chilly day and she shivered as she sat, thinking about Deacon and about what the future held for them. She had finally come to the point where she had to make a choice. She knew she probably should have included Teddy in her decision, but she had come to the conclusion that it was her decision to make. She appreciated that Teddy had been willing to be Maddie's father, but she realized that she should never have made that choice in the first place. She was going to make the decision for herself and her daughter. Deacon's daughter. She knew the consequences would be huge, not just for her and Deacon, but for her and Teddy. She thought about her mother, living a life of unhappiness, and she didn't want that for herself.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket and called Bucky. "Hey, Buck," she said when he answered.

"Hey, Rayna, what's up?"

Rayna sighed and felt her throat close up. Tears stung her eyes.

"Rayna, are you ok?" Bucky asked, concern in his voice.

"Not really," she said, her voice quivering. She had to pause again to collect herself. When she spoke again, her voice was soft and raw sounding. "I am going to have to have a pretty serious conversation with Deacon when we get to San Diego." She stopped again, choking on a sob. She took a deep breath. "I think you should be prepared to hire a replacement lead guitar, Bucky."

Bucky was silent as he considered this. He wasn't sure what kind of conversation she intended, but he could tell that it would be one that would probably end up with Deacon angry, hence the request. "I can do that, Rayna, if you're sure, but it'll be tough to get someone at the last minute as well as get them out to California."

Rayna was crying now. "I don't have a choice, Bucky. I have to do right by Deacon and it may mean that he leaves. In fact, I think it probably will mean that he leaves."

"Is that what you want?" he asked quietly.

Rayna shook her head. "No," she said softly. "But I think he will anyway."

Bucky felt heartsick for her. She was not just his talent, she was his friend, and Deacon was his friend too. He hurt for both of them. "Ok, I'll work on it. The good news is that we have a couple days when we get there before the show."

"Thanks, Buck," Rayna said quietly. "I'll see you tomorrow." She disconnected and then put her face in her hands and broke down in sobs. This was going to be sheer hell.


	14. Chapter 14

Deacon ended up staying with Beth and Scarlett through the holidays. Although they didn't talk a lot about the situation with Rayna after the initial conversation, Beth was there to help him stay on the straight and narrow. He was afraid if he had gone back to Nashville, he wouldn't have been able to stay away from a bar or a bottle. The band and the crew were flying out on New Year's Day, a day before Rayna and Bucky, and he was glad to be on that flight.

The leg from Atlanta to San Diego was not crowded and no one was sitting in the seat next to him, which gave him time to think. The more time had passed, the more certain he was that his theory was correct, that Maddie was his daughter. He still had a hard time wrapping his mind around that and so he had focused on the fact that Rayna had not told him. He could hear Beth's voice in his head, telling him to listen to her and to forgive her, but he knew he wasn't going to be able to do that. He might listen, but he was too angry to forgive her. And he couldn't imagine what she would tell him that would change his mind about that. If this was true, and he was going into it believing it was, he had lost trust in her. And without trust, they had nothing.

He tried to think about what he would say to her. How to start the conversation. He wasn't good at this. He didn't have a problem arguing with Rayna, hell, he'd done that for years, but confronting her was something new. He didn't know whether to just start with his suspicions or to ask her if it was true. He had told Beth initially that he still loved Rayna, but now he wasn't sure. When he imagined this conversation, and imagined her face, it was always with pain and sorrow etched on it. Probably tears. And when he thought of that, he felt an ache in his heart.

He thought it was possible that he might always love her, but that he might never be able to forgive her. He thought about all the years he had disappointed her until it finally got to the point that she couldn't be with him anymore and she had broken up with him for the last time. He knew how his addictions had destroyed her and them and there was a part of him that believed she had probably done this because she had lost faith in him. But how do you not tell someone about their child? How do you let another man raise that child? He had no idea if Teddy knew the truth or if Rayna had been lying to him too.

The hardest part was this time they had shared together. He had actually been happy, an emotion he hadn't felt since the early days of their relationship, before the drinking, before the pills, before all the rehabs, before all the disappointments. She was shattering all their dreams this time. Well, she was shattering his, that was for sure. He didn't even know what he wanted to do about Maddie. He'd never thought of himself as being a father and he didn't know what to do. To be in her life would mean staying entangled with Rayna, he knew that, and he wasn't sure he could deal with that. At least not now. Maybe not for a long time. Maybe not ever.

He tried to sleep and he couldn't. He couldn't sleep when he got to the hotel. He knew he needed to be at band practice, even though he knew he was going to walk out as soon as he talked to Rayna, but he begged off. He couldn't face anyone. He just sat in his room and waited. He knew she'd call him or text him and he just needed to spend time getting ready. To blow up his life.

###

When his phone buzzed, he realized he had finally fallen asleep. It took him a minute to fully wake up and realize where he was. He rolled to his side and picked up the phone on the bedside table. _Need to talk. 1101._ It was Rayna. He sat up and rubbed his face. He texted back, _Be there in 5._

###

In her room, Rayna was pacing, filled with apprehension. She needed to get this conversation with Deacon out of the way right away. And she had no idea how he would react. She decided she wouldn't be surprised if he packed up and headed back to Nashville. Bucky had told her on the flight that he had someone that could fill in on standby. When the knock came at the door, she felt sick to her stomach. She took a few deep breaths, then went and opened the door.

She expected him to kiss her and was a little surprised that he did not. She couldn't judge his mood, but something didn't feel right to her. She could sense his tension. His face looked neutral, his eyes had no warmth. She started to feel sick to her stomach again. "Hey," she said quietly. He didn't speak, just walked in. "So what did you do during the break?" She wasn't sure why she was asking that, except that she felt like she needed a bridge to the bigger conversation she wanted to have.

He frowned at her. "I went to see Beth."

She could tell he didn't want to talk about it. She didn't really want to either. She wanted to get this over with. She took a deep breath. "So I wanted to talk to you about something. Can we sit down?" He hesitated a moment, but then followed her to the sitting area and sat opposite her. "While I was in Nashville, I needed to make some decisions, so I did. About us." Deacon said nothing. "I love you. That's just never not been true. And I know that I've been unable to make all the changes in my life that you've wanted me to. There's been a really important reason why and I hope you'll understand when I tell you. I'm ready to break down the barriers, but I hope it's not too late."

Deacon got up and walked over to the window. He was frowning. "Ok, I'm listening," he said.

Rayna felt a shiver of fear. For a second, she wasn't sure she could do this, but she knew had to push though, no matter the outcome. "So, you know how things were before you went to rehab the last time. You had a lot of black outs and things were really scary between us then. That was when I moved out." Deacon was still looking out the window but he nodded. The anxiety ratcheted up as Rayna realized Deacon seemed unusually tense. "So, I don't think you remember, but there were times when you came to my apartment and you were really wasted. And I'd let you stay. And even though we had broken up, I still loved you, so when you'd want to come into my bedroom, I'd let you." Deacon took a deep breath and tears started to spill down Rayna's cheeks. "After you'd gone to rehab, I started feeling really bad and I thought I had the flu. When it wouldn't go away, I went to the doctor to find out what was wrong." She paused. "I was pregnant with Maddie."

Deacon said nothing. Rayna didn't like this. Deacon wasn't responding, he wasn't doing anything. She felt a rush of blood to her head and her stomach turned as she waited for his explosion. "She's yours, Deacon."

Deacon swallowed hard. He rubbed his face with his hands. He still wasn't looking at Rayna. "Why didn't you tell me then?"

Rayna took a deep breath. "You were in rehab for the fifth time. I had no way to know that this would be the time that took. So at the time I went to Teddy and told him. We decided to get married and he offered to be Maddie's father."

Deacon walked back over to the couch and sat down. _So Teddy did know_. "Why didn't you tell me when you realized that this time was different?"

"I wanted to. Teddy thought at that point it was too late. It had already gone on for long enough that it would be awkward."

Deacon smirked. "It would have been awkward for him." He took a deep breath. "Why did you decide to tell me now?"

"Because I was tired of keeping the secret. Because I do want a life with you and I don't see that happening unless I can be honest with you. And because I'm tired of the pressure not to tell." She looked at Deacon with puzzlement on her face. "You seem very calm about this."

Deacon leaned forward and put his head in his hands. Then he looked up at Rayna. "I'm really not calm at all. I'm mad. I'm mad it's taken all this time. That you've lied to me for seven years. But you're confirming something I had guessed already. And I want to give you some credit for telling me now."

Rayna looked surprised. "You had guessed it already?"

Deacon nodded his head. "I kept trying to figure out why you wouldn't leave Teddy. You loved me, I loved you. I knew that figuring out things with the girls would be complicated, but that wasn't really a reason to stay. I knew it had to be something more and when we went home for the break I happened to pull out that picture you gave me of Maddie and Daphne from Halloween. I was looking at it and it hit me that Maddie looked like Scarlett. And when I thought about the timing and how quickly you married Teddy, it started me thinking."

Rayna was still a little stunned that he had figured it out. She wondered if he had intended to confront her about it. "I've wanted to tell you so many times. But I felt trapped. I don't blame you for being mad. If you decide to quit the tour, I won't blame you for that either." She moved over to sit next to him and he turned his head to look at her. His face was unreadable. "I'm planning to leave Teddy. This was what was in the way. I wanted to get rid of all the barriers so that if there was still any way for us to be together, we could be. And just so you know, he doesn't know that I'm telling you this. I made the decision that I needed to do it."

Deacon inhaled and then exhaled slowly. "I don't know, Rayna. I don't even know what I want to do about this. But I can't stay. I'm going to have to call it quits on this. All of this."

Rayna was crying and she nodded sadly. "I'm still leaving Teddy. When we get back to Nashville. I'm so sorry." She reached out and touched his arm. "Deacon, please don't…."

"Drink? I won't." He stood up. "Goodbye, Rayna." And he walked out.

Rayna wrapped her arms around herself and wept. She'd lost him. She'd known it could happen, probably would happen, but now that it had, she was devastated. And she thought about how he had misunderstood at the end. That what she was going to say was "Deacon, please don't go."

###

Deacon found it hard to breathe as he walked out of Rayna's room and headed for the elevator. As he waited for the elevator to open, he kept looking at her door as though she might come after him. When the doors opened he got on and punched his floor, as well as the button to shut the doors. All he could think of as he rode down was _It's true. Maddie is my daughter. She lied to me all these years._ He was still taken aback by the fact that she had told him. He kept hearing Beth's voice say _Listen to her. Forgive her._ He shook his head. He couldn't.

When he got to his room, he grabbed his bags and left. He'd never unpacked. When they had changed planes in Atlanta on the way out, he had gone to the airline counter and booked a return flight on the redeye, so he went out and got a cab to the airport. He looked out the window but didn't see anything they passed. He kept seeing her face. Her tears. Hearing her words. _I thought I had the flu. I was pregnant with Maddie. She's yours._ He felt his own tears. As they trailed down his face, he swiped at them angrily. Even though he had known, even though he had lived with his certainty for two weeks, it still hit him like a kick to the stomach to hear her confirm it. There was a small part of him that had hoped he was wrong. Because he hated having to walk away from her. From them.

All he could think of as the plane raced down the runway was that he couldn't do this. He couldn't deal with the lies, with the secrecy, the reality. He wanted a drink. He wanted a bottle. He spent the entire flight talking himself out of drinking. When he got back to Nashville, he drove up to his cabin and holed up there until the end of January. Until he finally felt like he could face the rest of the world. Except, of course, for Rayna Jaymes.


	15. Chapter 15

**The song mentioned in this chapter, "There You'll Be", is by Faith Hill. This is kind of a long chapter, but is made up of snippets of events.**

Rayna sat huddled on the couch for a long time. She'd stopped crying, but she felt empty. Even though she had told herself that Deacon would probably leave and go home to Nashville once she told him the truth, she had truly hoped that he would understand. She was still a little stunned that he had figured out he was Maddie's father. She assumed that his intent was to confront her; she wondered whether the outcome would have been different if he had and decided it probably would not. In fact, it could have been worse. She was heartbroken. It made her wonder about the wisdom of having ever started the affair with him in the first place. She had let her emotions guide her, as she had so often in her life, and like so many times, at least with Deacon, it seemed to lead to disappointment and heartache. The only time she'd let her head guide her actions had been when she had decided to marry Teddy. But she hadn't been happy then. Not really happy. She had been content, but she had come to understand that she needed something more than that in her life. She'd needed the passion and the energy that Deacon brought with him, not the calm centeredness of Teddy. But now it seemed she would lose both.

She picked up the room phone and called room service, requesting a bottle of Maker's Mark. When it got there, she poured herself a glass and drank it quickly. Then she poured a second and began to sip. The tears came again and she wondered how she would get through the rest of the tour. When a knock came at her door, she jumped up and ran for it, hoping against hope that Deacon had come back. When she threw open the door, she felt despair to see Bucky standing there.

Bucky took one look at Rayna and stepped in, folding her in his arms. She wept against his shoulder. "Did he leave?" Rayna nodded against his shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know," she sobbed. Bucky led her over to the couch and sat her down, then sat next to her. She pulled her knees up to her chest and buried her face in her hands. "I don't know what to do, Bucky," she cried.

Bucky put his arm around her. "I don't need to know what happened," he said softly. "But I'm guessing we need the guitar player." Rayna nodded mutely. "I'll give her a call."

Rayna looked up. "Her?"

"Yeah. Her name is Adria. She comes highly recommended." He smiled sadly. "Maybe that's what you need."

Rayna nodded. "I think you're right." She took a deep breath. "I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this."

"Like you get through everything," Bucky said. "Professionally. You'll do what needs to be done and you'll give great shows for your fans, because that's what you do. No matter what's going on, you get out there and you give the best show possible for the people who come to see you. Because you know how much it means to them to come see Rayna Jaymes."

Rayna smiled through her tears. "Thanks, Buck. You know just the right thing to say."

Bucky took her hand and looked at her intently. "We'll get through this. One day at a time. It's just four more weeks. I'll rework the playlist and we'll get Adria in here. It'll take her a little time to get caught up, but I'll bet within a week, she'll be fine and you'll be happy with her. And we'll get through the tour and you can get home and deal with whatever you need to deal with."

Bucky was right. Adria turned out to be amazing. It wasn't the same as having Deacon behind her, but considering how she was feeling, it was probably better that it was Adria there instead. She still missed Deacon terribly and the nights were long and lonely. She cried herself to sleep most nights. Her band and crew took Deacon's departure in stride, although there was quiet discussion when Rayna was not around. But they respected Rayna and left her alone when she needed it and were supportive when she needed that. When the tour ended in Denver, she was ready to get home and deal with the rest of her life.

###

When Rayna got home, after her girls went to bed, she told Teddy she wanted a divorce.

"A divorce? Where is this coming from?" he demanded angrily.

Rayna looked at him wearily. "I'm not happy, Teddy. I don't think you really are either. This isn't working for me and I don't think it is for you."

"Are you serious? Is this because of Deacon?"

Rayna shook her head. "No, it's not," she said truthfully. "Deacon is gone and has been gone. This is about you and me and our future and our daughters' future."

Teddy looked at her quizzically. "What do you mean, Deacon's gone?"

Rayna rolled her eyes. She hated how fixated he was on Deacon. "He's not in my life anymore. He left at the beginning of the last leg of the tour." She took a deep breath. "I made a decision, Teddy, that he needed to know about Maddie. He didn't take it well and he left."

"What?" Teddy shouted. "Are you kidding me, Rayna? What in the hell made you decide to do that? And why would you do it without talking to me first?" His face was red with anger.

"I decided that I was tired of lying to him. To everyone. I never wanted to do this and I decided I had to put a stop to it."

"Were you hoping he would take you and Maddie away with him? Was it because you've wanted him all this time? Or," he looked at her sharply "were you sleeping with him and you lost all your common sense?"

He had hit close to home, but Rayna knew he couldn't prove she'd had an affair with Deacon. Other than Deacon, the only people who knew were Bucky and Watty. And they would never confirm it for Teddy. "Teddy, you're just going to have to accept that I made the decision. I realize you may think it comes out of left field, but you know, you've always known, that I didn't want to keep the truth from him. He noticed she looked a lot like his niece" which was true "and it was kind of pointless to deny it."

Teddy narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean, he noticed she looked like his niece? How did that even happen?"

"I showed him the Halloween pictures. I guess he really studied them and drew his own conclusions."

"Damn it, Rayna! I can't believe you've destroyed everything. We agreed to protect Maddie from his destructiveness. You told me that you couldn't trust him to stay sober around her and you didn't want her to have the same kind of life that you did, wondering where he was, whether he was ok, if he was going to make it home. And now you've blown that wide open and put our daughter – _our_ daughter – in harm's way."

Rayna was silent. She had said those things in the beginning, but she had trusted Deacon's sobriety this time. Although she couldn't be sure that he hadn't gone on a bender when he left San Diego. Bucky had told her that no one had seen him since he'd left, so she couldn't be positive.

"We had an agreement, Rayna. And you've destroyed it." Teddy's voice was calm, but lethal. "So you better believe I'll give you that divorce. But I'm going to ask for sole custody."

Rayna glared at him, her eyes flashing. "You have no grounds!" she shouted. "What are you going to do, tell the judge you aren't really Maddie's father and that's why you deserve custody?"

"No, I'll tell him you had an affair."

"You can't prove that, Teddy. You don't have anything that would make anyone believe that."

"We'll see about that."

In the end, Teddy had to back off the claims of an affair, because, in fact, he had no proof, only his suspicions. He was able to get joint custody, based on Rayna's schedule. She wasn't happy about it, but she accepted it in order to end the marriage. As the divorce was going on, it was huge news and was splashed across not only local media, but national as well. She knew, at this point, that Deacon was back in Nashville, apparently sober, playing around town as a session musician and writing. She knew he had to have heard about the divorce, known she'd made good on her promises in San Diego. But he made no effort to contact her and she did not reach out to him, much as she wanted to.

###

One thing that helped her through the period of the divorce and working to heal her heartbreak was completing her album. She spent long hours with Watty on the tracks that had been completed. It was hard to hear the songs that she and Deacon had recorded together. She refused to listen to "I Need You" and asked Watty to leave it off the album. He understood the pain it evoked for her, but he felt very strongly that it was one of the best things she'd done. Eventually she gave in rather than continue to dwell on it. She still needed at least four songs and spent many hours listening to what Watty brought her. She had settled on three and had recorded those. Watty still wanted one more and one day in mid-March he called her to tell her he'd found the one.

"It's a great song, Rayna. Called 'There You'll Be'. I got the young lady who wrote it to demo it and I'd like for you to come in tomorrow to hear it."

"You think it's really good?"

"I hear number one hit when I listen to it. For you. After 'I Need You.'"

Rayna sighed. "I wish you hadn't released that as a single."

"You knew I was going to. I told you that all along." He paused. "I know it's tough on you, Rayna. But it's still a beautiful song. There are a lot of fans and others that are going to hear it and fall in love with it. Fall in love _to_ it. The radio stations are wild for it."

"I can't ever do it in a show, Watty. That's going to be a problem, you know that. I could never sing that with anyone other than Deacon. And that's not going to happen."

"You don't know. He may come around yet."

Rayna frowned. "Don't. I can't even think that way. So. When do you want me to come in and hear

this new song?"

"Can you stop by tomorrow?"

"Sure. I'll be there around 11."

###

The next day Rayna met Watty at his studio. She sat in the mixing room and put on headphones. She focused on the words. _When I think back/On these times/And the dreams/We left behind/I'll be glad 'cause/I was blessed to get/To have you in my life/On these days/I'll look and see your face/You were right there for me._ She ripped off the headphones and stared at Watty. "I can't sing this," she said.

Watty looked at her. "Yes, you can. Now listen to the rest."

Rayna hesitantly put the headphones back on. _In my dreams/I'll always see you soar/Above the sky/In my heart/There will always be a place/For you for all my life/I'll keep a part/Of you with me/And everywhere you'll be/And everywhere I am/There you'll be._ She took them off again. "What are you trying to do to me?" He pointed towards the headphones and nodded to her. She put them back on, frowning at him. _Well you showed me/How it feels/To feel the sky/Within my reach/And I always/Will remember all/The strength you/Gave to me/Your love made me/Make it through/Oh, I owe so much to you/You were right there for me._ She couldn't listen to the rest.

"You can do this, Rayna."

"No, I can't. It feels like I would be singing it to Deacon."

Watty shrugged. "So what if you are? Maybe it's what gets him to think about what he's lost."

Rayna shook her head. "I'm not manipulative, Watty. I can't do this."

"Yes, you can. You can do it because you're a professional and because you know this is a good song and would be a great add to your record. That's why you'll do it. If it has another outcome associated with it, so much the better."

Rayna wasn't sure she could do it. She was afraid it would be too close to her heart. But in the end, she found the inner strength to record it. Watty told her that the pain in her voice when she sang it added to the poignancy of the finished product and he was certain it would be the next single. Rayna couldn't believe she had allowed Watty to talk her into something again that she thought was not a good idea. But he was good. It was why he was the best in town.

And considering what had happened after the last time he talked her into doing a song, who knew if lightning might strike twice.

###

Deacon felt apprehensive when he finally came back to Nashville. Being at the cabin had been a good break for him, allowed him to work through his anger. He still wasn't sure what he wanted to do about Maddie, about Rayna. He had really never, when they were together, seen them as parents. In his mind, it would have always just been the same, the two of them, living together, singing together. Rayna had never talked about wanting children, wanting marriage. He wondered if he just hadn't listened or wasn't paying attention. Then he realized he was probably too drunk or high to have noticed what she wanted.

He had been surprised to find out that she was marrying Teddy, that she was pregnant, that she was going back to that Belle Meade life. He had still seen flashes of the old Rayna though, when they were writing together, recording together, touring together. She had seemed content, although he couldn't say she had ever seemed truly happy. He knew she loved her girls though and, from what he had seen, she was a good mother. But he wasn't sure he could fit into that life. He knew he could not live in Belle Meade or live that lifestyle. And he didn't know if she would come back to East Nashville. But then, that wasn't an option right now anyway.

He got back into the old rhythm of his life, doing session work around town, continuing to write and play his music at The Bluebird and other venues. He worked his program, went to meetings, met with Coleman regularly to stay on track. He had managed to stay away from booze since leaving San Diego, but it had been a struggle. It was only now becoming less of an every minute battle for him.

He met Coleman for coffee one morning, a ritual they had on Saturday mornings. It was early March, a deceptively warm day, one of those spring teasers Nashville was famous for. Coleman was already there when he arrived and slid into the opposite bench at the table.

"Hey, Cole," he said.

"Good morning. It's a beautiful day."

Deacon smiled a little. "Yeah. So how's the political life treating you these days?"

Coleman laughed. "You know, same old same old. One step forward, two steps back."

"Oh, I'm sure Lamar is greasing the way for you."

Coleman didn't respond to that. "Speaking of Lamar, have you heard about Rayna and Teddy?"

Deacon frowned. "It's hard not to hear it, even if you aren't interested."

"Does it change anything?"

Deacon glared at Coleman. "No, it doesn't. Don't make me sorry I talked to you about all of that, Cole."

After he had returned from the cabin, he had had a long talk with Coleman about the affair with Rayna and Maddie's paternity. Coleman was a little surprised that Rayna would have let herself get into a romantic relationship with Deacon. He was not surprised at how it all ended. He had often wondered about whether Deacon might have been Maddie's father, but Rayna had been firm that he was not. When Deacon had told him what Rayna's reasons were for making her decision to let Teddy raise her, he could understand.

Coleman shrugged. "I just thought it could make a difference." He clasped his hands together and leaned forward. "What are you going to do about Maddie, Deacon?"

Deacon looked away. "I don't know. Clearly Rayna didn't think I could be a father to her. I'm not sure she wasn't right about that."

"What if you had been there at the beginning? Don't you think you would have learned?"

"I really don't know, Cole." Deacon looked irritated. "I never got a chance to find out, so I don't know. And I don't really want to talk about this, ok?"

Coleman raised his hands up in a gesture of defeat. "Ok."

###

One early May afternoon, Deacon came home to his sister sitting on his front step. He hurried up the steps and she stood to envelop him in a big hug. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "Why didn't you let me know you were coming? Is Scarlett with you?"

Beth smiled. "So many questions. I'm here to see you. My boss actually let me have a couple extra days off, so I thought I'd drive up here and spend some time with my brother. And Scarlett is not with me. She has school, so she's staying with one of her friends. She sends her love though."

Deacon was sure Beth had a reason for coming. She had been calling him frequently since he had come back to Nashville. She had been terrified when she couldn't reach him during the time he'd been at the cabin. "Well, I'm glad you're here. But I'm guessing you came for a reason."

Beth looked shocked. "I can't just come visit my brother without there being some ulterior motive?"

"I know you, Beth." They went and sat on the porch swing. "I just feel a lecture of some kind coming on."

"I do not lecture you, Deacon Claybourne. I give you wisdom and insight."

Deacon laughed. "So what wisdom and insight are you here to share with me?"

"I want to talk to you about Maddie. And Rayna."

Deacon gave her a dark look. "I don't want to talk about Rayna." He did not understand why everyone seemed so hell bent on talking to him about Rayna. It was starting to piss him off.

"I don't really care. I'm going to do it anyway. So, I've read she and her husband got divorced. Did you know that?"

"It's hard to miss it. It's all over the radio, TV, in the papers, everybody wants to talk about it. Except me."

"I know you were mad, Deacon, and clearly you didn't take my advice. Are you never going to at least forgive her?"

Deacon looked at his sister. "Why should I, Beth? She lied to me. She kept something from me for seven years." He enunciated each of his words, trying to make sure she understood just how far away from forgiveness he was. "If you came here to try and get me to change my mind about that, you just wasted a trip."

Beth linked her arm in his. "You have a daughter, Deke. Are you going to let her grow up and never know you?"

"She knows me, Beth."

"You know what I mean. Are you going to pretend for the rest of your life that she's not your daughter? How is that different from Rayna not telling you for the last seven years? The end result is that that little girl doesn't know who her real father is and she misses out on that relationship. Is that really what you want?"

Deacon scowled and worked his lip. "I don't know what I want, Beth. I don't know how to be a dad."

Beth sighed. "Bill didn't either, just so you know. When I got pregnant with Scarlett, we weren't planning it. But it happened. And he was terrified. He didn't want to be a dad. We fought like crazy the whole time before she was born. I thought he was going to leave. He wouldn't talk about it, pretended like it wasn't happening. He stayed out with friends. A lot." She paused as she thought back on those days. Then she said quietly, "But when they put Scarlett in his arms, he fell in love with her that very second. He didn't know how to be a dad. No man really does. You just feel your way through it. You're lucky you don't have to go through the dirty diapers, the spit up, not being able to understand what she wants, and the late night feedings. She's through with all that, just waiting to have a relationship with you."

Deacon took a deep breath. "I saw dirty diapers and spit up and all that. Rayna took her out on the road."

"But you didn't deal with it, I'll bet. I know you missed out on some stuff, but you can start now. She needs to know you, Deacon. You're a part of her and she needs to know that part." She looked at her brother. "Is this really because you'd have to see Rayna?"

"Yeah."

"Are you afraid if you see her, then all the old feelings will come back?"

Deacon didn't respond. Beth waited him out. Finally he said, "Maybe. But right now it just hurts too much to see her."

"Have you heard her new song? I heard it on the way up here. You know it's about you, don't you?"

Deacon turned to look at her. "I heard it at the diner the other day. I had to get up and leave. I can't do this right now."

Beth sat back. "You can't stand on the sidelines for too much longer, Deacon. You just can't."

###

On the way home from The Bluebird one night, Deacon scanned through the radio stations. He had stopped listening to country stations because he never knew when he might hear one of Rayna's songs. If not her new one that was getting a lot of airplay, it was one of theirs. He heard a familiar voice and pressed the key to set the station. It was the syndicated show "Delilah's Love Songs". He grinned thinking about the times that he and Rayna had listened to her, laughing at the letters she received and Delilah's responses. Deacon thought she was smarmy, Rayna thought it was kind of sweet. Tonight Delilah was sharing a letter from a woman named Melissa.

"So Melissa writes, Delilah, I've been with my man Ben for twenty years and we're going through some really tough times. We've been fighting a lot and life's been kind of hard for both of us. But I still love him, he's my high school sweetheart, and I want him to know that I still love him and that he matters to me. That I need him in my life. Delilah, can you find a song that will let him know just how much he means to me? Melissa, I feel for you, sweetheart. I think I have just the song for you and Ben, so that he knows how important he is to you and just how much you love and need him." And then Deacon heard the opening melody for "I Need You".

He knew the song had been released some time back, because Watty had told him he was doing it. He had not heard it on the radio before and he found himself pulling over to the side of the road, not being able to turn it off or change the station. Listening to the song brought back so many memories. He remembered singing the song at The Bluebird for Rayna, recording it with her at Watty's studio and then singing it on the road. All he could think of was how much he needed her right then. "I hope that one helps Ben know how much you need him, Melissa. That was Rayna Jaymes singing 'I Need You', featuring Deacon Claybourne."


	16. Chapter 16

**The song in this chapter is "Once You've Loved Somebody" by the Dixie Chicks. I added the scene this is in based on BeckyPo's review – it was a great idea!**

**So this is the last chapter and we'll get to see how things end up for Rayna and Deacon.**

Shortly after the divorce was final, Rayna went to see Tandy. Her sister had been angry at her decision to end her marriage and had told her in no uncertain terms that it was foolish and irresponsible. They had fought and Rayna had told her she was through with her. But in the aftermath, when she'd moved out of the house she'd shared with Teddy into something smaller and more manageable, when the girls started alternating weeks with Teddy and Rayna was spending so much time alone, she missed her relationship with her sister. And so she showed up on Tandy's doorstep one afternoon.

When Tandy answered, her eyes widened. "Well, hey," she said.

Rayna looked at her sister with sad eyes. "Hey. Can I come in?"

"Of course." Tandy opened the door wider and stepped back so Rayna could come in. She shut the door and reached out to hug her sister. "I'm so glad to see you, babe."

Rayna smiled sadly. "I've missed you, Tandy. I'm so sorry we fought."

Tandy led her into the den. "Oh, I am too. But let's just put it behind us, ok?"

Rayna nodded. She sat on the couch and, after pouring them each a glass of wine, Tandy sat down next to her. "So, tell me what's been going on. How are things?"

Rayna took a deep breath. "It's lonely when the girls are gone. I think that's the thing I regret the most in all this. Actually it's the only thing I regret. They're with Teddy every other week and I'm at loose ends when they're gone. The tour is over, the record is mostly finished and I'm just waiting for that to drop. So I spend probably way too much time thinking about things."

"Such as?"

"How I got to this place, mostly." Rayna shrugged. She reached out for Tandy's hand and squeezed it. "I know you thought you were doing the right thing for me when you introduced me to Teddy. I thought it was too. I thought that was exactly what I needed in my life, some stability and someone solid that I could count on. That would always be there."

Tandy squeezed Rayna's hand back. "Considering everything that happened, it probably was good that he was there at the time."

Rayna sighed. "I guess. I can't help but wonder, though, what might have happened if I had just stayed. Stayed with Deacon. Tried to help him instead of throwing him aside. Had faith in him."

"With a baby? That would have been tough. You don't know how he would have reacted."

"But the point is that if I had never left him, we probably wouldn't be at this place at all." Tandy looked confused. "If I had stayed, there probably would never have been a Maddie at all." Tandy opened her mouth to say something, but Rayna kept going. "I'm not saying I wish Maddie weren't here. Or Daphne, for that matter. I'm just saying my whole life would have been different. But I can't go back and change any of that. I think I just made the wrong choices, but for the right reasons."

"Are you talking about Maddie?"

Rayna nodded. "Yeah, I am. I know all the reasons why it was good for her to let Teddy be her father. At the time, anyway. That's the hardest decision I ever had to make. And I've regretted it ever since. Do you know how hard it was to be around Deacon and not tell him about Maddie? To have him hold her, talk to her, love her, and for him not to know she was his daughter?" Tandy realized Rayna just needed to talk this out, so she let her. "He never asked me if there was even a chance she could be his. It hurt a lot to know that he didn't remember. Maddie was conceived in love, but he didn't even remember." Tears started to roll down her face. "She deserves to know her father, Tandy. And he should know her."

"Are you thinking about telling him?" Tandy asked nervously.

Rayna looked at her. "I already did."

Tandy gasped and put her hand to her mouth. She shook her head. "Oh, Rayna, no, you didn't. Why? When? Did Teddy agree to that? Does he know?"

Rayna played with the edge of her sweater, not looking at Tandy. "Yes, Teddy knows I did it and no, he didn't agree to it. I made the decision without talking to him."

"Why? Oh my God, Rayna, why in the world would you do that?"

Rayna looked up, her eyes flashing. "Because I had to. I couldn't move forward with my life without telling Deacon. Even though I lost everything."

"I don't understand. Why was it so necessary?"

Rayna went back to fidgeting with her sweater. She ran her tongue over her lips as she thought about what to say. "The night I came to see you and told you that I was still in love with Deacon." She paused. "When I left here, I went to his house. I told Teddy I was spending the night with you and I went to Deacon's. And I stayed with him. All night." Tandy's face turned white as she listened. "I had an affair with Deacon the entire time I was on tour. Well, until the West Coast leg."

"Oh, Rayna," Tandy breathed. "I knew something was going on."

"You know, Tandy, I know you're not going to like this, but that was the happiest I had been since, well, since before Deacon and I broke up. I finally realized that Deacon was the person I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life. And I really thought we could do that, but he needed more from me and I was afraid that if he knew the truth, he would hate me. And I was scared. But I knew I had to do it, so I did."

"And I'm guessing he didn't take it well."

Rayna shook her head. "No, he did not. But you know, the funny thing is, he had figured it out. Finally."

"How?"

Rayna smiled sadly. "I gave him a picture of the girls from Halloween. He finally recognized that Maddie looked like him. Actually, he said he thought she looked like his niece, but that was how he figured out the connection."

"And so, what now?"

Rayna shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't heard from him since then. I don't even know if he wants a relationship with Maddie. It's bad enough that I've lost the only man I've ever really loved, but I feel like I've cost Maddie a relationship with her father. I don't know if Deacon wants to be her father." She wiped away a few stray tears. "That's what I meant when I said that if Deacon and I had stayed together, we wouldn't be having this conversation at all. I think he and I would have just gone on as we were, just the two of us. We never talked about getting married or having a family. And as much as I love my girls and wouldn't trade them for anything, I don't know if I would have missed it if I hadn't had it." Tandy moved over and put her arms around her sister. "I couldn't have done anything else but this, Tandy. Some day we would have had to tell them both the truth and I think the longer it went on, the longer the lie was there, the worse it would have been."

Tandy was stunned by what Rayna had told her. But at the same time, it didn't surprise her at all. Rayna was always ruled by her heart. It was what had made her relationship with Lamar so difficult. "Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry about all of this," she said. "Does anyone else know about this?"

"Well, Bucky knows about the affair. He caught us on the tour. And Watty knows because I needed someone to talk to. But they don't know about Maddie and all of that."

"So, what are you going to do? Will you try to talk to Deacon?"

Rayna shrugged. "I don't know. At some point, I feel like I have to try to reach out to him. But I don't think he wants to have anything to do with me. At least not now. And I don't know if I should just wait for him to make a move. All I know is that I'm miserable." And she buried her face in her hands and cried, while Tandy held her.

###

Rayna didn't very often go to The Bluebird. The last time she'd been was when Deacon had introduced "I Need You". But it was Memorial Day weekend, Teddy had the girls and she was at loose ends, so when Watty invited her to go with him, she said yes. It was nice to get out of the house and listen to some new artists and songwriters. But Watty was Watty and they did know her there, so she was talked into going up on stage. Watty went up with her to play guitar. She whispered to Watty what she wanted to sing and he nodded.

"Hey, y'all," she said to the crowd with a smile and a wave. "I'm really glad to be back at The Bluebird. You know, I got started here and it's always had a special place in my heart." The crowd cheered enthusiastically. "So I wasn't really prepared for this, but I'd like to do something for you that I've been playing around with. It's a song about how that one great love can spoil you for anyone else. It's called 'Once You've Loved Somebody'. I hope you like it."

Watty started playing and then Rayna started singing. _I should go out tonight/Get on with my life/Break these chains of solitude/With a little luck and a little help/I might even find myself/In the arms of someone new._

She looked at Watty and he smiled encouragingly. _Once you've loved somebody/It ain't that easy to do/Once you've loved somebody/Like I loved you._

Deacon had come in through the back. He was going to play with a writer friend that night. He stopped short when he heard Rayna's voice. It surprised him to hear her and he thought about leaving. But her words caught his attention. _Look what you've gone and done/You've ruined everything for anyone/Who tries to steal this heart away/I can't get you off of my mind/I've tried to tell myself a million times/A little time is all it takes._

He felt a tightness in his chest and he took in a deep breath. She'd been on his mind for days. He'd spent many sleepless nights thinking about her. About Maddie. And the nights he did sleep, he dreamt of her. He missed her. Even if he wasn't ready to face her yet.

_I gave you everything that I had to give/I don't know if I can go that far again/Once you've loved somebody/It ain't that easy to do/Once you've loved somebody/Like I loved you._

He didn't want her to see him, so he ducked into the manager's office. He heard her finish the song and then thank the audience. There was loud cheering and then the announcement of the next artist. He didn't really want to go out there and play with her in the audience, so he wasn't exactly sure what to do. He walked back out into the hall, debating whether to stay or go, when a waitress he knew walked by.

"Too bad you didn't get here sooner. You missed your old singing partner," she said.

"Rayna?" he asked.

"Yeah, she was here with Watty White and she did a new song. But they left afterwards. She seemed a little, I don't know, a little sad maybe? But it was a great song."

So she was gone and it was ok to go out there. But he leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes, thinking about the words of the song. It had totally kicked him in the gut. He had to admit he wasn't sure he could love anyone else either, not after her. He'd been thinking more lately that it might be time for him to see her, to see where they would go from here. He ached for her – his arms ached to hold her, his body ached to touch hers, his heart ached for her. Now it was his turn to figure out what was next and make some decisions.

###

It was early June, a few weeks before rehearsals would begin again for the upcoming tour and just as her latest album had been released. Rayna decided to take the girls to a nearby park to play. She was sitting with Daphne watching Maddie on the swings. Suddenly Maddie stopped and jumped off. "Deacon!" she called out and started running past Rayna.

Rayna's heart nearly stopped as she turned to watch her daughter running. Deacon stopped and knelt down, catching Maddie in his arms, a big smile on his face. He whispered something into her ear and she laughed. His eyes met Rayna's. Maddie then grabbed his hand and led him over to her mother.

"Mom! Deacon's back!" And then she ran over to the sandbox.

Rayna smiled hesitantly. "I see." She shielded her eyes as she looked up at him. "Hey."

He smiled at her. He looked relaxed, not angry. "Hey. Can I sit?" Rayna nodded, not trusting her voice. "I heard your news," he said as he sat down next to her.

"About my divorce?"

"Yeah. I guess you were serious about that." Rayna nodded. "So, I needed some time to sort through things. Beth really helped me get through the anger I was feeling. She helped me see that I needed to understand your side. And Coleman helped me understand what you were going through at the time."

"I'm glad." She turned to Daphne. "Daph, sweetie, go play with Maddie in the sandbox, ok?" Daphne nodded and hopped off the bench to go over to her sister. Rayna kept her eyes on the girls. "I'd like for you to spend time with Maddie. Do you want to do that?"

"I've thought a lot about that. The whole idea of being a dad scares me. But I would like to spend time with her." He reached for Rayna's hand. "And her mama too."

Rayna squeezed his hand and tears formed in her eyes. "I'd like that."

Deacon leaned in and whispered in her ear. "I'm going to want my own key again."

Rayna looked at him and smiled. "I think that's a great plan."

**THE END**


	17. Chapter 17

**I've been sitting on this for a while and finally decided to post it. Just kind of a "where did they end up" closure story. This is based on the first couple episodes of the show, although with obvious tweaks because of the AU aspect of the story, so about six years after the end of the last chapter. Hope you enjoy!**

Rayna had her hair all in twists so that when she took it down it would make those nice waves Deacon liked. She was trying to get ready for the show at the Grand Old Opry that night to honor Watty. It was times like this when she wished there was a bigger bathroom to get ready in. That was the one thing that she missed from the big Belle Meade house. And only on days like this when the girls were running in and out, trying to see what she was going to wear.

She ran into the bedroom to find Maddie and Daphne sitting on the bed. "Are you girls ready?" she asked as she rifled through her jewelry box to find the earrings she wanted.

"Yes, Mom," Maddie said, with her usual teenager sigh. "Our stuff is by the door."

"What about your school stuff?"

"That too."

Daphne giggled. "Do you think Aunt Tandy will make our lunches tomorrow?"

Rayna gave her a look. "Are you kidding? I don't think Aunt Tandy can even make a sandwich." She was still going through her jewelry box. "Did one of you girls take my silver chandelier earrings?" She looked at them both sternly and they fell backwards against the pillows with peals of laughter. "It's not funny. I can't find them. Damn!"

"That'll be a dollar in the swear jar," said Deacon from the doorway, with a smile. Rayna rolled her eyes. He walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Then he pointed at the earrings lying off to the side. "Are these the ones?"

Rayna looked. "Yes." She turned and kissed him on the lips. "Thank you, babe. You're so much more helpful than the girls." She looked back at Maddie and Daphne and smirked. "Okay, you two, get out so mama can get dressed." The girls jumped up and ran out to the living room. Deacon was still hovering and she looked at him. "You, too. If you don't go, I won't get dressed." She smiled and winked.

Deacon pulled her in for a real kiss before walking out and closing the door behind him, giving Rayna some quiet time to get ready. She knew she needed to hurry so they could drop the girls off at Tandy's and get back across town for the show.

###

After they dropped off the girls and walked out to the truck, before Rayna could open the door, Deacon pressed her against it and put his arms around her waist and kissed her. She hungrily kissed him back, then laughed. "You know the girls are probably watching us."

Deacon laughed too. "Nothing wrong with them knowing mama and daddy still have the hots for each other."

Rayna pressed herself against him and ran her hands over his back. "That is true. But we gotta get going."

Reluctantly Deacon stepped back and reached around to open the door for Rayna. As she got in she saw the blinds flip shut and she smiled to herself. _No, there's definitely nothing wrong with mama and daddy loving each other,_ she thought. _Especially after everything we went through to get here._

As they drove, Rayna thought about how happy these last six years had been, compared to the previous seven. Even though it had been touch and go for a while with Deacon after she had told him that he was Maddie's father, eventually they had found their way back to each other. She had moved in with him at the house they had bought together years ago. Teddy had been unhappy with having Maddie and Daphne spend alternate weeks with them as an unmarried couple, but Rayna felt that she and Deacon were much more committed to each other than she and Teddy had ever been when they were married. She and Deacon had finally gone ahead and gotten married two years ago, but only because Maddie and Daphne asked them to. As she recalled, Maddie's comment was "you already act married, you might as well just do it."

The wedding had been small, only family and a few close friends. Surprisingly, Lamar had offered his house for the informal ceremony. Deacon and Rayna both had been amused by the irony of getting married at Lamar Wyatt's mansion, considering the lack of welcome they'd had there for years. But Lamar had come around eventually, although grudgingly. Rayna knew he did it more for Maddie and Daphne's sake than for hers. But outside of the thin gold bands they both wore, nothing much had changed for her and Deacon. This was the kind of life she had always dreamed of having with Deacon and that she had once thought would never be possible.

Deacon reached over and grabbed her hand. "You're kinda quiet."

She looked at him and smiled. "I was just thinking about the last few years. This is the happiest I've ever been and it just gets better every day." Her eyes glistened with tears she tried to hold back. She wished that trucks still had bench seating so that she could slide over and snuggle up next to him.

He squeezed her hand. "I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else. Or with anyone else but you." He had to admit that he'd wondered if he would ever have this kind of life with Rayna. They had come a long way and gone through a lot to get to this place. Their life was pretty simple, a lot like it had been in the beginning. Although Maddie still went to Teddy's every other week with Daphne, he and Rayna had told her right away that Deacon was her father. She was confused at first, but soon adjusted to the idea of having two dads. Deacon was surprised at how much he enjoyed being a dad to Maddie and a stepdad to Daphne. They were amazing kids and made all of that part of life so easy. He would never admit it to Rayna, though, but he actually looked forward to the fact that every other week, when the girls were with Teddy, he and Rayna could be alone together. The passion they had always had for each other had never diminished and having that week to themselves gave them permission to indulge it. Life was very good indeed.

###

As Rayna walked off the stage to a thundering ovation, Deacon came up behind her and put his hand on her shoulder. "You killed it!" he shouted over the applause. She squeezed his hand and turned back to smile at him. Then he wrapped his arm around her, pulling her in for a kiss. "You're still the best," he murmured into her ear.

Rayna put her arm around his waist and murmured back, "I couldn't do it without you, babe." Watty walked up to them and Rayna moved to hug him. "Watty White, congratulations. I love you," she said with a huge smile. "Where would I be without you?"

"You were great, my little songbird," he replied. He looked at Deacon. "The two of you were amazing, as always." He fell in step with them as they walked back to Rayna's dressing room.

When the three of them walked into the room, Bucky was there along with two executives from the label. Rayna wasn't expecting anyone but Bucky, so she frowned. "Hey, y'all. What's going on? Somebody die?" She grabbed Deacon's hand.

"Nothing that can't wait until Monday," Bucky said.

Rayna gave Deacon a concerned look, but just then they were interrupted by one of Edgehill's newer artists that Rayna recognized as Juliette Barnes, along with her manager Glenn Goodman. "Rayna," Glenn said enthusiastically. "I want you to meet Juliette Barnes. She's a big fan of yours."

Juliette barely glanced at Rayna and honed in on Watty first. "Mr. White, it's such an honor to get to play for you tonight," she said with a huge smile.

Watty stood up. "You wouldn't say that if you knew me better." He quickly turned her towards Rayna. "Have you met Rayna?"

At that point, Juliette looked at Rayna and Rayna put her hand out with a polite smile. "I've heard about you. Girl, you're burning it up out there." Maddie and Daphne were enamored with Juliette Barnes, which both annoyed her and confused her. She was not at all impressed, either with Juliette or with the fact that her girls thought she was so great.

Juliette smiled a Cheshire cat smile. "Thank you. My mama was a big fan of yours. She told me that she listened to you when I was in her belly."

Rayna's eyes flashed but she kept smiling. "Well, bless her little heart. That is a charming story," she said, her voice dripping with Southern sarcasm.

Then Juliette looked at Deacon and her smile became genuine. "Deacon Claybourne," she gushed. "I'm so honored to meet you. I just love your music. I have your first album in vinyl."

Deacon gave her his courteous smile. "Well, it is still available in antique stores here and there." He put his hand on the small of Rayna's back. He knew she wasn't going to take this well.

Juliette practically swooned. "I just love your song 'Been and Gone'. Totally amazing."

Rayna wasn't smiling anymore. "I guess you need to get out there, don't you? Make sure you get those girls all tucked in and everything." Her eyes were cold as she watched Juliette turn and walk out without another word, her manager following behind.

Rayna looked around the room. "What the hell was that about?" She turned and looked at Deacon. "I can't believe she actually flirted with you. With me standing right here. She does know you're married to me, right? That girl has about five hundred miles of nerve." She glared at the label executives, who looked away from her awkwardly.

Deacon put a possessive arm around her waist. "Don't give her another thought," he whispered in her ear. She turned and smiled at him, but she wasn't so sure about that.

Bucky started talking about the lack of ticket sales for her scheduled tour. Rayna half-listened, replaying the meet-and-greet with Juliette in her head. Deacon was sitting next to her with his hand on her shoulder, rubbing the back of her neck with his thumb, trying to keep her calm. He alternated between frowning at Bucky and the label executives and looking at Rayna with concern. It was clear to him she wasn't fully paying attention to what Bucky was telling her.

"So what does this mean then?" he asked. "She's done everything you've asked her to do to support the record and the tour. What's the plan?" Rayna put her hand on his knee as if to steady herself and he covered it with his other hand.

"Yeah," she said. "Is there a plan?"

"One idea is for you to combine tours with Juliette Barnes," Bucky said. "You could co-headline. It would save you several hundred thousand dollars in costs."

"Seriously? Co-headline?" She looked at the label execs. "Is that why you brought her in here?"

"It would open you up to a whole new generation of fans," one of the execs said.

"Who goes on first?" Deacon asked. The exec opened and closed his mouth.

"No," Rayna said, with a frown. "I am _not_ going to open for Juliette Barnes. Who came up with this idea?"

"Marshall Evans, the new head of the label. You need to seriously consider this alternative, Ms. Jaymes."

"Right." Rayna looked around the room. "Could I have some privacy please?"

"Ms. Jaymes, Marshall would like your decision by next Monday."

"Is that right." She glared at them and they wisely left, Bucky and Watty following behind. She leaned forward, her elbows on her knees and steepled her hands over her mouth. She breathed in and out, then turned and looked at Deacon. "I can't believe they're asking me to tour with that little…girl. To _open_ for her. How did this happen?"

Deacon took her hand and pulled her over next to him. She turned into him and laid her head on his shoulder and he put his arm around her. "You know, you've been saying you wanted to cut back on touring now that the girls are older. Maybe this is a good time to do that."

"I want it to be my choice. _Our_ choice." She looked up at him. "And what was that business about a whole new generation of fans? That just makes me feel old."

"Darlin', you can get out any time you want and get back in any time you want. It's not like you're some kind of overnight sensation." He smiled at her. "Although you definitely are sensational overnight." That got a small smile from her. "So, let's just think about what's next. You don't have to decide anything right now." He kissed her. "And since we got the weekend to ourselves, I bet I can come up with something to take your mind off this."

Rayna smiled and hugged him, but deep down inside she was worried. She didn't like the idea that she was an afterthought for the label, that she was "too old" for the new generation of country fans. Deacon was right, she had been thinking about slowing down, but now that she was being told she either had to tour with that poptart Juliette Barnes or be put out to pasture, her competitive fire was back. She was _not_ going to be told by someone else what to do. She just needed to figure something out.

###

On Monday before Rayna's meeting with the label, Deacon was in the kitchen getting coffee. Rayna walked in, wearing a nice skirt and long sleeved blouse. Her "business" suit that she only wore rarely. He smiled at her. "You look dressed to kill," he said.

Rayna gave him a big fake smile, curtsied and waved her hands like a pageant queen. Then she frowned. "I am _not_ looking forward to this meeting. The idea that they want me to open for Miss Sparkly Pants is crazy. I sure am not going out on the road with someone who's probably just looking for any opportunity to corner you and hump your leg."

Deacon laughed. "Rayna, she's just a girl. The last time I recall being interested in a girl was when you were sixteen and I was nineteen. I'm a little past that now." He leered at her suggestively.

Rayna came around the kitchen island and started pacing. "I don't know what's going to happen next, babe. My album's a stiff, the tour isn't selling, and I'm just not ready to hang it up." She stopped in front of him.

Deacon could tell she was tense. "Look, Ray, we'll figure something out. No matter what they tell you," he said.

Rayna sighed. "I hope so. Because I'm not ready to hang up my rhinestones just yet."

###

As Bucky was driving Rayna home from the meeting at Edgehill with Marshall, they were both quiet. Rayna knew that while a part of Bucky was cheering her exit from the meeting, another part of him was probably in panic mode wondering what their next move would be. Rayna thought back over how the meeting went. How she had recited for Marshall Evans her history at the label, all her triple platinum albums, her Grammys and CMA wins, how she had built the label from nothing.

She had listened to Marshall tell her some bullshit about how "the old models just don't work anymore" and it had felt like he was talking down to her. As though she were stupid. She might not be as educated as he was, but she certainly did understand about the music business. She resented being treated like she didn't know what she was doing.

She had talked about what she felt Edgehill Republic owed her after all she had done for them and that she had no intention of opening for Juliette Barnes. She knew she was right and she knew that she still had good years left to give. She was pissed that the label didn't want to support her and was seemingly willing to dump her or let her go.

She smiled to herself as she thought about telling Marshall he could "kiss my decision as it's walking out the door". She knew that probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, but damn, it had felt good. She couldn't wait to tell Deacon.

###

The next day, Watty and Bucky were waiting when Deacon and Rayna got to Sound Check. Deacon went to find some food and Rayna sat down with her manager and her mentor. "Okay, Bucky, give it to me straight," she said.

"Ticket sales are down, no singles from the new album charted, and telling Marshall Evans he could kiss your ass for suggesting you tour with Juliette Barnes pretty much guarantees there'll be no more support for the album."

Rayna smirked. "Yeah, well, it's clear Marshall doesn't know me at all to even think I would have agreed to that." Deacon walked back in with a plate of fruit, which he set in front of Rayna. "Deacon and I came up with an idea though."

"Oh, yeah?" Bucky responded.

Rayna looked at Deacon and smiled. "What about if we go back to the basics? Go back to the kind of tour we did in the beginning. Just Deacon and me. Doing all the old stuff. The songs that made us want to do this in the first place. How do you think that would play?"

Bucky looked at Watty. Watty gave him a look that said "why not?" Bucky smiled. "I like that idea. What exactly were you thinking?"

"Like Ann Arbor," Deacon said. He exchanged a look with Rayna. "Maybe not all that small, but smaller, more intimate venues. We thought maybe a whole tour like that would work."

"This is a great solution, Rayna," Bucky said excitedly. "Instead of big arenas, you book smaller venues. Much more intimate, doing music you love to do. Now you have a sold out tour." He clapped his hands together and Watty smiled broadly. "Perfect!"

"Can you propose it to Marshall?" Rayna asked.

"I will."

Rayna sat back, looking satisfied. Deacon smiled. "Then I think me and Rayna need to head on up to the cabin to come up with the playlist." He stood up and reached for Rayna's hand. When she stood, he said, "We'll check back in a few days. Don't call."

Rayna smiled at Bucky and Watty, and then, putting her arm around Deacon's waist, the two of them walked out of Sound Check.


End file.
